I’ll Settle for James Marsden.

Let’s get one thing straight: James Marsden is a bonafide hottie.  Those eyes, those lips…sure he’s not that tall in real life, but what actor is?  So why does he always get cast as the guy women settle for?  Strange typecasting.  What these women always say about James’s character while they’re off loving some other guy is, “He’s a good man.”

Then they have Superman’s baby.

1. The most blaring example is ‘The Notebook’.  Marsden vs. Gosling.  Tough competition, I must say.  One is handsome and rich, but the other one built her a house (and is Ryan Gosling).

Good…

 

Better

2. In ‘Enchanted’, James loses out to “McDreamy”.  That one I don’t get.  James is a Prince and Patrick Dempsey is just a regular guy.  Then again, the princess is played by Amy Adams, so consider the prize.

3. In ‘X Men’, Jean Grey is with Cyclops, but she secretly lusts after Wolverine.  I’m not quite sure why aside from the muscles.  Really piercing eyes or super strength and claws??  Decisions, decisions.

4. In ‘27 Dresses’, the competition gets more stiff.  Ed Burns is a formidable dream boat.  He is the unattainable boss and James Marsden is the annoying writer Katherine Heigl hangs with begrudgingly.  She settles for him when she can’t have her boss.  She got a pretty good deal.

5. ‘Superman Returns’ is most difficult shadow for James.  He’s a “good man”, but his wife used to bang a Superman.

He’s still hotter.

 

James, somewhere out there, you’re someone’s first choice.

Name that Genre!

I recently saw the film ‘Disconnect’, which I enjoyed very much, and before it even began I posted on Facebook that it was “‘Crash’ with technology”.  I was right about my assessment and it occurred to me that this film belongs to a genre without a name:  An ensemble drama featuring many stars and a few different subplots that are (sometimes loosely) connected.  Usually there’s a socially relevant theme.  ‘Disconnect’ touches on bullying as well as our techonology-driven lack of personal connection; ‘Crash’ explores racism and prejudice as told through our vehicles.  Don Cheadle has a great line: “It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.”

‘Babel’ and ‘Traffic’ belong to this nameless genre as well.  ‘Babel’ shows us what happens when we are lost in translation and ‘Traffic’ illustrates the way drugs infiltrate different social classes.  All films showcase very talented and famous actors who aren’t showboating too much despite their fame.  Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock, Michael Douglas, Don Cheadle (twice), and Cate Blanchett, to name a few.  All films also explore the negative side of human nature but also the triumph of the human spirit.  Each film has a dramatic climax during which each of the sub plots are connected.  In ‘Crash’, people died.  In ‘Disconnect’, the moment when there could have been multiple tragedies there were near-misses instead.  The films are somber and somewhat depressing, but still well done and thought-provoking.  To simply call them ensemble dramas is too simplistic.  The only name I can think of that might be suitable is “Intersection drama” because the characters and plots intersect, even though it may not be obvious how initially.  Just goes to show, when you Babel in Traffic, you Crash and Disconnect (aka don’t talk on the phone when driving).

 

 

 

 

Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called__________!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…but it’s not very flattering if you make a movie and try to pass it off as original when it is clearly a rip-off. I’m not talking about sequels, prequels, remakes or reboots. I’m talking about movies that pretend to be unique when they are so obviously similar to movies that already came out. David Spade had an SNL skit about this phenomenon: “I did a movie called ‘Black Sheep’. Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘Tommy Boy’!” I’ve compiled a list of some such movies. If I didn’t mention the more obvious ones, I probably haven’t seen them.

Maybe you saw that the first time, when it was callled….

1. ‘The Crow’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘The Wraith’!

Probably not. Few people have. ‘The Wraith’, 1986, starred Charlie Sheen (shortly after his appearance in ‘Ferris Bueller’s day off’), Sherilyn Fenn, and ‘The Notebook’ director Nick Cassavetes. ‘The Crow’ was much more of a cult classic, and it inspired years of Halloween costumes. But the plot similarities are difficult to ignore.

‘The Crow’: A man brutally murdered comes back to life as an undead avenger of his and his fiancée’s murder.

‘The Wraith’: Jamie, killed by neighborhood thugs, returns as a mystical figure named Jake (The Wraith) to gain revenge.

The main difference is the spirit vehicle. In ‘The Crow’ it’s a bird; in ‘The Wraith’ it’s a car. There are even similarly-named thugs: In ‘The Crow’ there’s Skank and Funboy; in ‘The Wraith’, Skank and Gutterboy.

Both films had some awesome lines:

‘The Crow’: “Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”

‘The Wraith’: “I’d rather move to Nogales, and have the Gutterboy’s cretin children.”

2. ‘Friends with Benefits’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘No Strings Attached’.

Hey, this is dirty!

Rom coms (both2011) in which two inordinately attractive young and successful people decide to hook up on a fuckbuddy-type basis. Then, oops–shocker! One buddy falls for the other buddy who resists until they eventually realize they DO love the star of ‘That 70′s Show’! The life-imitates-art irony of this example is that the two stars of the respective films–Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher–are now dating in real life. You could also do a ‘Maybe you saw it…’with Ashton’s ex Demi Moore’s movie ‘About Last Night’.

3. ‘The Prestige’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘The Illusionist’!

…so you should just see ‘the Illusionist’!

Ok, they only came out about a month apart in 2006, but come on. Same movie! Two dudes doing some magic + a chick. They both happened a long, long time ago and they both bored me so much I can barely remember them. Also, Christian Bale starred in ‘American Psycho’ and Ed Norton starred in ‘American History X’. Another funny thing is, both movies have chicks who slept with Justin Timberlake. That’s magic!

4. ‘The Fast and the Furious’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘Point Break’.

‘Point Break’ (1991) is about a young undercover cop who infiltrates a gang of bank robbing surfers, falls for a girl in the gang, likes the gang and lets the bad guy go in the end. (Spoiler alert. Whoops, too late, sorry!)

‘The Fast and the Furious’ (2001) is about a young undercover cop who infiltrates a gang of heisting racecar drivers, falls for a girl in the gang, likes the gang and lets the bad guy go in the end.

Keanu Reeves is to Paul Walker as Patrick Swayze is to Vin Diesel. ‘Fast’ upgraded in the girl department, at least, by replacing the Lori Petty character with Jordana Brewster. The world of street racing and the surf culture are explored, respectively, and are kind of like characters in themselves.

The irony is that Paul Walker was in a surfer movie (‘Meet the Deedles’) and Keanu Reeves was in ‘Speed’.

5. ‘Road Trip’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘Overnight Delivery’.

It always annoys me when films are a box office success when they get their premise from another, more obscure film. Such is the case of the above mentioned films. 1998′s ‘Overnight Delivery’, starring Paul Rudd and Reese Witherspoon is about a college guy who, thinking his long distance girlfriend cheated on him, sends her a nasty break-up letter and a staged picture of him with another girl. Then he finds out he was mistaken and has a short window to intercept the package. Hilarity ensues!

‘Road Trip’, released in 2000, is about a college guy who, thinking his long distance girlfriend cheated on him, accidentally sends her a not-staged video of him sleeping with another girl. He, too, has a short window to intercept the package. Hilarity ensues! Of course, ‘Road Trip’ featured the brilliant Tom Green and had the line, “Are there any guys out there that are just NORMAL? HUH??!”

‘Overnight Delivery’ was just funnier and ‘Road Trip’, and ‘Road Trip’ had unnecessary unfunny humor featuring prostate-milking, Whale-on-toothpick action and Tom Green ass.

6. ‘Indecent Proposal’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘Honeymoon in Vegas’.

Only a year apart, both movies are about a couple in love who go to Vegas and gamble, but when they lose money, an older man offers a large sum of money to sleep with the woman. ‘Honeymoon’ is silly and funny and ‘Indecent Proposal’ is more sexy and depressing like most Adrian Lyne films. In both movies, the women fall for the older man but we don’t know if it’s because she a gold-digger or because their men pimped them out! Either way, the moral of the story is, don’t gamble when your ass is broke!

P.S. Demi Moore being offered $1 Million is way more realistic than Sarah Jessica Parker being offered $65,000. Or even $1.

7. ‘Dead Man on Campus’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘Dean Man’s Curve’ (aka ‘The Curve’).

Hard to say who stole from who since they both came out in August of 1998, but ‘Dead Man on Campus’ was the only one I remember being in theaters. ‘Dead Man on Campus’ was the more comedic of the two, while ‘The Curve’ was a bit darker. Both films are about the clause that says, “If your roommate dies, you get an A”, but the end goal is approached in different ways in each film. I hope that after these films came out, colleges changed that rule, if it ever existed to begin with.

8. ‘The Hangover’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?”

Granted, there are quite a few differences between these two films.  In one comedy the immature set of friends were looking for their car; in the other they were looking for their buddy.  In both, though, they spend the whole next day retracing their steps because they can’t remember what happened the night before.  Same premise, minus the hot aliens.  ’Dude’ had some one liners I still use: “And theeeennnn?”; “I’m sick of walking, dude!” but it ended on a pretty stupid note.  ’The Hangover’, though is a misnomer.  It wasn’t a hangover at all, it was a blackout in both films.  Hangover implies drinking only, but those guys were roofied.  That’s cheating.  At least the’Dude’ dudes had the decency to actually be drunk.

9. ‘Avatar’: Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called ‘Pocahontas’.

Handsome white man who is a stranger in a strange land meets brown/blue girl who first resents his presence and then falls in love with him and he saves everything, blah blah blah. This similarity is mentioned too often to be original, so I guess I’m as phony as all these other idea-stealing phonies!

But at least I don’t claim to be the first movie-plot-comparing blog that ever lived. Maybe you saw this blog the first time, when it was called ___________?

Dorner and Doakes: They Have a Lot in Common

Another case of life imitating art.  My friend Sam aptly pointed out that there are some strange similarities between Christopher Dorner and James Doakes.  And I don’t just mean this one:

But seriously, isn’t it weird that Dorner and Doakes:

1. Both have last names that start with “Do” and contain 6 letters

2. Are both highly trained ex-military men turned cops (though I’m not sure if Dorner was black ops)

3. Both stalked and targeted fellow law enforcement personnel (Doakes stalked Dexter)

4. Both got fired from the police force

5. Both (supposedly) met their ends in a CABIN (wtf?!)

6. Both burned to a crisp in said cabin (one in the Everglades and one in the Mountains)

It’s also kinda weird that the cops have been parked in my building since the murders because a target supposedly lives there.  Hmmm…Now why would that be weird?

The only difference between the two is that…Doakes doesn’t really smile.

Your ex-cop and my ex-cop should get together and go bowling!

Ferris Bueller is a Sociopath

“Empathy, in my opinion, is not good.”

Okay, so technically he can’t really be a sociopath because you can’t diagnose that in a teenager since the part of the brain that regulates conscience isn’t fully developed yet.  But he is definitely a sociopath in training and would probably be diagnosed with Conduct Disorder (especially if Principal Rooney had his way).  His parents and the rest of society certainly enabled his antisocial behavior.  According to the professionals, sociopaths have at least three of the below attributes:

1. failure to conform to social norms (check)

2. deceitfulness, manipulativeness (check, mate)

3. impulsivity, failure to plan ahead (impulsivity, check, but Ferris put quite a bit of planning into his day off)

4. irritability, aggressiveness (no, since he’s used to getting his way)

5. reckless disregard for the safety of self or others (check, especially Cameron’s Dad’s classic car)

6. consistent irresponsibility (check…I’d say, “NINE TIMES” is consistent)

Ferris is also a pathological liar.  Abe Frohman; faking a fever; he even had his girlfriend fake a death in the family.

The most convincing trait, though, is the “glib and superficial charm” that sociopaths possess that allows them to seduce other people, literally and figuratively.  Everyone was in love with Ferris.  But Ferris seemed to love no one but himself.  His best friend and girlfriend are both mere accessories and admirers.

His sister, Jeannie, was the only one who saw through him (aside from Rooney).  Jeannie Bueller is to Ferris as Doakes is to Dexter.  Immune to their charms and resentful of what they get away with.

It would take another sociopath in the form of a drugged-out Charlie Sheen (redundant?) to distract Jeannie from her bitterness.

You’re probably thinking, “Ferris Bueller didn’t kill anyone”.  But contrary to popular belief, not all sociopaths are violent criminals.  Many are characterized by their tendency to use people as a means to an end without guilt or remorse.

I used to think I was just being a paranoid player-hater like Jeannie Bueller, but when I saw the Bio channel’s special on the making of the film, the director himself said that the original cut was much darker, the protagonist a much less benign character.  They changed it to make it more fun and teen-friendly.

So there you have it.  I was right all along.  Anyone agree with me?  Anyone?  Anyone?

When you’re left ‘Home Alone’ you become a “Party Monster’

“Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior, it certainly fucked you up, it made you have sex with a psychopath!” – Billy Loomis in ‘Scream’

Okay, I kinda think Kevin McCallister was a sociopath anyway.  Some of them are born that way.  But the abandonment by his entire family during Christmas pushed him over the edge.  

He took WAY too much pleasure in inflicting what should have been deadly pain on two burglars!  And he didn’t even seem scared of them.  That’s a sociopath.  What looks to the world like an adorable, precocious tow-head is really a bundle of pain (you heard me, Dakota Fanning!)  Why was this a fun family comedy?  Kevin McCallister was a childhood Jigsaw (of the ‘Saw’ franchise).  If his violent behavior wasn’t enough, wasn’t it weird how he explained his hygiene regimen to no one in the bathroom mirror just like Patrick Bateman in ‘American Psycho’?

Then he went on to commit credit card fraud and more violence in the sequel, where he felt awfully at home in New York City.  Sociopath!  I’m sure he’s not the only sociopath who uttered the words, “I made my family disappear” with a satisfied smirk.

Then he committed infanticide over his mommy issues, killed a dog, caused a massive car-pileup and aimed to kill his sister and mother in ‘The Good Son’.

Finally he graduated to killing his own drug dealer in ‘Party Monster’.  That’s just the lowest of the low.  Killing your drug dealer because you don’t want to pay up!

So parents, it’s 10 pm.  Do you know where your children are?

This could happen to you.

Can I un-unwrap that gift?

Given that it’s Christmas Eve, I can’t help but think about how Christmas gifts remind me of guys. I’ve always loved Christmas even though I’m not Christian and I never believed in Santa Claus (my mom never even tried to pretend he existed.)
Although I never believed in the jolly red-suited fat man, I still believed in miracles to some extent. I believed that if my elders loved me enough or if I pouted enough, they would get me exactly what I wanted. (That was when what I wanted most could still be obtained with money.)
The thing about Christmas presents was that they usually hung around for at least a month. My sisters and I started shopping early. So I had a month to hang out under the lit tree and moon over the shiny wrapping paper. I had ample time for visions of sugar plums to dance in my head. I would fantasize about what could be in each of the boxes, even though we usually stuck to very specific wish lists and it could only be a few different things. There are no true surprises Christmas morning.
I think the buildup of wondering what was in the box was more exciting than actually opening it up and finally getting my gift. Christmas gift wrap represents mystery, possibility, a maybe-miracle. Opening the gifts was anti-climactic.
That’s why it reminds me of guys. When I like a guy I tend to fantasize about what he could be like on the inside, not to mention moon over his shiny outsides. Rarely do I revel in the reality of what he really is. Rarely do I actually see who he really is underneath that shiny wrapping. And the disappointment I sometimes feel is worse than unwrapping a shitty gift. He becomes like that BB gun I wanted for so long and then I toss it aside as soon as I’m called for dinner.
I wish sometimes that Christmas gifts could stay wrapped forever, the possibility of perfection still alive, the mystery still encased within the shiny paper.