Monthly Archives: December 2010

7 Pretty Boys Who Try To Be Ugly

Okay, so I have a theory about pretty boys:  They don’t want to be pretty.  This is, in part, because they get shit from their ugly, hater-rific friends for getting all the action, so they try to ugly up to gain street cred.  Uglies will do whatever they can to bring down a pretty.  They’re just jealous that pretty boys just have to stand there to get ass.

Sometimes pretty boys just lop off their goldi-locks and get tatted up, a la Justin Timberlake or David Beckham, and then they are accepted by many more of their peers.  JT has shaved his head then grew his hair back, but never again rocked the frosted geri curl. That and the fact that he ditched the boy band and banged A-list chicks got him endless street cred.

But sometimes, pretty boys go to great lengths to reject their God-given beauty.  I don’t know if it’s because they want to appear more masculine or are sick of the treatment that goes along with being a pin-up, but it really fucking annoys me. You’re gorgeous! Own it!  Use it!  Take a cue from JT.  He’s sexy, he knows it, and he claps his hands.
Note: I am not talking about gaining or losing weight for a role and then slimming down to original hotness, like Christian Bale.  That’s called devotion to your craft. 
I’m talking about never taking pretty boy roles or trying to be ugly or weird to seem badass.  

1. Johnny Depp: Okay, ya’ll know this one is true.  He got a liiiitle objectified on 21 Jump Street and ever since then he’s been trying to shed his pretty boy image.  He has openly expressed his discomfort with being viewed as a piece of meat, and we get it.  Aside from roles like the one in  ‘Cry-Baby’ (in which he spoofed the heart throb image), and ‘Don Juan DeMarco’, most of his roles have been, well, weird.  He will put cutting utencils on his hands, wear a fiery orange wig, or eyeliner and a scraggly beard if it means not having to be a hot leading man.  He and Tim Burton should just get married.  Or form an unholy polyamorous trinity with Helena Bonham Carter.  I sitll love him, but damn! Just show us your chiseled abs and stunning features once in a while! Show off those amazing genes God gave you.

 I’m sick of being this hot!

2. Jared Leto: Any girl around my age knows that Jordan Catalano, not Jared Leto, was one of the hottest things in the world.  That hair, that jacket, that black string around his neck, the way he leaned…(sigh).  Jared Leto was never as hot as when he was Jordan Catalano.  He played dim-witted indifference to perfection!  And ever since then he went all rocker on us, wearing eyeliner and black nail polish.  Now he has that dirty-hot emo hipster sexiness, but it’s not the same.  I’m not counting the weight gain for ‘Chapter 27’ (see above).  But seeing him getting his face beat in in ‘Fight Club’ was a little traumatizing for me.  Bring back Jordan Catalano!  I miss him!  Even though he couldn’t read.
3. Brad Pitt: Yes, I know he’s the sexiest man alive and it’s pretty difficult for him to be otherwise, but he sure has tried.  Remember when he had that really long hair and Jesus beard?  He kinda looked like a really hot homeless man.  Remember ’12 Monkeys’ when he had that wonky eye?  No one wants to see that!  And lately he’s sporting black hair and a gray beard!  Come on, Brad, I know it gets tiring being that hot, but your baby mama’s last name is french for “pretty”.  It’s your destiny.  You’re a Golden God.
 Guess you don’t have to work at it anymore once you bag Angelina
4. Vince Vaughn: He was really only hot in one movie, as far as I’m concerned, maybe two if you count ‘Rudy’.  But he was pretty fucking hot in ‘Swingers’.  Let’s face it.  He was a pretty boy.  And I dunno if he wanted to be “funny guy” instead of “pretty boy” so he could pal around with Luke Wilson, or if he just couldn’t control the alcohol bloat…all I know is he ain’t pretty no mo!
5.  Brendan Fraser: Remember when he was hot?  In ‘School Ties’ playing a hot Jew and partook in naked fighting with Matt Damon in the shower (see my girl porn post); In ‘Encino Man’ grunting and being a cro-mag hottie; in ‘George of the Jungle’ being all kinds of ripped and running around with only a loin cloth on.  Those were the days.  I think he took the monkey business too far.  Literally!  It seems like every movie after that was about monkeys or animals or some such nonsense.  He says he does those movies for his kids, but did he have to get fat and unattractive?  Less talking, more benching, funny man.
If you could look like this,
why wouldn’t you?
7. James Franco: First it seemed like he was going the Paul Rudd route of doing gross-out humor roles instead of leading man roles, even though he’s clearly hot (last time Paul Rudd played a straight leading man was the first movie I ever saw him in–‘Clueless’). But now it seems like in order to be accepted by the Seth Rogen’s of the world and have funny-cred, Franco has gone the extra mile to ugly himself up. Maybe he did it so he would be less likely to entice high school girls, but either way the transformation is complete. Now Seth Rogen might be the prettier of the two. At least he’s still got hair.
james_franco_1220739125 IMG_0574
In sum, I have dated actors I had crushes on in earlier years who have really let their looks go, and if it weren’t for the fact that my vision is distorted (when I look at them I see how they looked on televsion), they probably wouldn’t get any.
One particular actor I dated used to look like a porcelain doll until he started overeating, smoking weed everyday and not doing shit else.  Now he’s kinda fat, when he used to play the popular boy on TV.  And he’s not even 30!  So sad.
Pretty boys, please own it.  And just there and look good.  Stop denying the pretty  It’s a gift.
"Artifact" Premiere - 2012 Toronto International Film Festival
Seriously dude.  No-shave November is NO excuse.  I can smell your beard from here.

Top Five Rules Girls / “Bitches” on Televison

If you’ve read ‘the Rules’ or ‘Why Men Love Bitches’, or any similar books, you know the type of girl they’re talking about: the type of girl you want to be if you’re reading those books. The woman men fall all over themselves for even though they might not be the prettiest girl around. There’s something about these girls (not Mary). Though I didn’t always know what they were called, I was always able to identify those girls on television. If you wanna be like them, study these bitches (in no particular order):
  1. Winnie Cooper on ‘the Wonder Years’ – Let’s face it, she wasn’t hot. She was weird looking. Yet she had Kevin Arnold, adolescent man-whore, completely whipped. Not to mention every other boy in school including, at one time, Kevin’s best friend Paul. She dated the school bully who emasculated Kevin, the popular stud, an older boy…she had em lining up! And Kevin, even though it seemed like almost every episode was about a different girl, always carried a torch for Winnie. Even when he eventually got her and they dated, she kept him on his toes. Ironically, the opposite of Winnie Cooper, which most girls are, was played by Winnie’s real life sister, in an episode where she dated Kevin but realized he still liked Winnie. This girl, Becky Slater, was aggressive, needy, clingy and jealous. Sound familiar? In the end, Kevin was afraid of Becky and always went back to Winnie. It says a lot about me that I identified more with Kevin then with Winnie.  I HATED Winnie Cooper!
Really, Kevin??

2. Rebecca Donaldson on ‘Full House’ – The fact that she was pretty didn’t make    her a Rules girl…in fact, she aptly portrayed the opposite in a film ‘Secret Admirer’, where she played a guy’s female best friend who was secretly and hopelessly in love with him. Becky was different. She was attracted to Uncle Jesse right away. I mean, who wasn’t? But she didn’t show it. She acted indifferent, unimpressed, even offended by his overtures. She certainly didn’t hop in to bed with him…EVER. Not even after they got married and had those adorable Sprouse twins! Okay, now I’m being ridiculous. Anyway, the way she played hottie Stamos landed her the role of “Aunt Becky”.

3. Ashley Frasier on ‘Fifteen’ – A lesser-known show on Nickelodeon, this show had me hooked because I was fascinated by this Ashley character who was beautiful, shy, demure, classy, and irresistible. All guys wanted her and all girls wanted to be friends with her. At such a young age I was impressed with this actresses ability to portray such a quintessential rules girl. Ashley got the hottest guys and when she ended up dating the school jerk, she didn’t tolerate him for long. Even when guys had her, they never really had her. Classic love avoidant. So fun to watch!

4. Kelly Kapowski on ‘Saved By the Bell’ – This one is a no-brainer. Kelly had the two most popular guys in school fighting over her constantly. Then she dumped the hotter one for a hotter older man! She broke player Zack Morris’s heart over and over. She was the right mix of indifferent and sweet. Couple interesting things about this rules girl: a) She lost her juju in the later years once she let Zack go…she became kind of a ditz instead of what she was. b) Tiffani Amber Thiessen also played the exact opposite of a rules girl, Valerie Malone, and Kelly (though she was about two cup sizes smaller) was arguably MUCH hotter than Valerie simply because of her Rules girl status. c) Random side note I found interesting: the man who played Kelly Kapowski’s father also played Tiffini Amber’s gynecologist who performed her rape kit in a Lifetime movie. Creepy.

5. Last but certainly not least, Kristin Cavallari on ‘the Hills’ – This one’s for real. Kristin is probably more of a “Bitch” than a Rules Girl, but this girl gets shit done. I’m sure she puts out on the first date, but somehow she manages to always have the upper hand. When her friend Alex on the show asked her what she does to always have guys all over her, she replied correctly, “It’s ’cause I’m a bitch!” She had the hottest guys on Laguna Beach and in Hollywood looking like idiots trying to get her attention. The fact that she was on television for many years before I ever saw her cry over a guy is telling. And that bitch can’t act, so that shit was for real.

Feel free to add other rules girls to this list. For the record, later female characters were the opposite of Rules girls, a la Angela Chase on ‘My So-Called Life’ and ‘Felicity’ on ‘Felicity’. These girls break all the Rules, and that’s why modern girls identified with them.

Isn’t it ironic?

There are a few instances in which life imitates art and irony shows itself in the motion picture arts and pop culture.  These are moments when I feel like God is laughing and pointing.  Here are some examples that are much cooler than the ones in the Alanis Morissette song:

1. The Superman Who Couldn’t Walk: The man of steel, the man who could fly, the gorgeous man with x-ray vision who could leap tall buildings in a single bound…lost the ability to walk.  Such a tragic irony, like God making a joke that’s kinda not that funny, taking away Superman’s ability to walk or even take care of himself, let alone the rest of us.  OK I get it ya’ll.  He was just an actor.  But I think God was trying to say something.  What are you trying to say, God?  Save ourselves?

2. “Mr. Brady died of AIDS”: That was Ethan Hawke’s reply to Winona Ryder when she asked why everything couldn’t “just go back to normal at the end of the half hour, like in the Brady Bunch”.  And his answer sums up the sad irony of Reality, which quite frankly does Bite.  The perfect TV father / stepfather in real life was not a straight, healthy, manly man with all the answers at the end of the day.  Again, what’s the message here?  In real life, my dad was less like Mr. Brady and more like the dad in ‘The Stepfather’.

3.  Prophecy of the marriage of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: Cameron Crowe foresaw the union of Suri Cruise’s parents. In the beginning of ‘Vanilla Sky’ when Tom Cruise is dreaming that Times Square was empty, one of the pictures that flashed on the billboard was a magazine cover with Katie Holmes on it.  Was he dreaming of her even then?  Was that just a coincidence or was the relationship staged that far in advance?  Was the director psychic?  Was God trying to foreshadow the future?  Or did watching the movie over and over cause Katie’s image to seep into Tom’s subconscious like a subliminal message?  Because I wasn’t too impressed by her performance in ‘Batman Begins’, as Tom supposedly was.  If he fell head over heels for her watching ‘Dawson’s Creek’ or even ‘Abandon’, I’d kinda get it, but ‘Batman Begins’? Really?  But I digress…

4. Christian Bale auditions for his Terminator Role back in ‘American Psycho’: In arguably his best role EVER, Christian Bale plays a serial killer in ‘American Psycho’ and then, 9 years later, plays the “last best hope of humankind” in ‘Terminator: Salvation’.  The funny thing is that even though ‘American Psycho’ was supposed to be set in the 80’s, Patrick Bateman quoted ‘Terminator 2’ (a 1991 film) when he said, “Hasta la vista, baby!” on Paul Allen’s answering machine.  Why would he be saying a catch phrase that wasn’t even out yet?  Was the actor trying to snag the role of adult John Connor even then?  Or was it just another 80’s era inconsistency in ‘American Psycho’?  I mean, I suppose a rich guy like Patrick Bateman could have CD’s in the 80’s, but did anyone else?


5. Jay Z eats his words: I used to love Jay Z back when he was a Pimp.  I believed him when he rapped, “Me give my heart to a woman?  Not for nothin’, never happen, I’ll be forever mackin'”.  It was around that time I met him at a club and he and his crew fed us Tequila and such.  He touched my stomach on the way out and I think he gave me his pimp juice through osmosis.  Because not too long after, he DID, in fact, give his heart to a woman (and I became a PIMP).  And not just any woman…Beyonce, the same woman he mocked in the song ‘One Minute Man’ with the line, “Get your independent ass outta here, question!”  I bet he apologized for that line on his wedding day, 7 years later.  I have never seen him in the same way.  Sniff.  Jigga, you lied to me.  You lied to us all.

6. Walt Disney is the Devil: We have all heard the rumors.  The number of letters in his full name = 666; he had his head frozen; but to me, other things make it obvious that Walt Disney is doing the devil’s work.  Oh, irony of ironies that the name we associate the most with children’s entertainment is actually pure evil.  (For more on sinful idolatry & Disney, see the movie “Dogma”).  The example that stands out the most is the new Mickey Mouse Club television show.  He unknowingly (?) launched the careers of a bunch of kids who turned out to be gyrating, sexual fantasy-inspiring, minions of the devil.  Cases in point: Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling, and Keri Russell (not evil but too hot to be good).  So basically, watching MMC is like watching retroactive kiddie porn.  All of the above mentioned were in the same cast and somehow managed to become superstar pop icons who make a lot of money by being sexy and innocent at the same time.  More recently and after his demise, he spawned the likes of Miley Cyrus (twerking pole dancer),  Vanessa Hudgens, (naked picture taker) and Selena Gomez (Bieber-banging Spring Breaker).

The other reason Walt is the devil is because he trains girls early on to become damsels in distress, helpless victims just waiting for a Prince Charming on a white horse to come rescue us.  As a child, I loved his imaginings of Cinderella, Snow White, the Little Mermaid.  But they are VERY VERY BAD for young girls.  It basically teaches us to have no value unless we get the guy.  I could go on and on about the  hidden messages in these films.  And I mean, Sleeping Beauty, come on. A girl is asleep until a guy comes and kisses her?  I relate.  Pure evil.  As an adult, the only message from a childhood Disney movie that I can get behind is in ‘Dumbo’, because it’s basically the law of attraction.  Believe it and it is possible.  Good message!

7. Joaquin Phoenix “Cashed” In Early: Anyone who has seen 2005’s ‘Walk the Line’ would agree that Joaquin Phoenix, tortured soul that he is, was meant to play Johnny Cash.  But apparently Oliver Stone knew that back in 1997, when he cast Joaquin in his movie ‘U Turn’.  In one of the only scenes Joaquin is in, he walks in to a diner and the jukebox starts blasting ‘Ring of Fire’.  Coincidence or foreshadowing?  I don’t believe in the former.










8. ‘Saved by the Bell’s’ 2 Slutty Malones: Isn’t it strange that two of the stars from the squeaky-clean sitcom ‘Saved by the Bell’ ended up playing turbo-sluts with the last name “Malone”?  Shortly after singing, “I’m so excited!” on SBTB, Elizabeth Berkley played coke-head stripper Nomi Malone in one of the best-worst movies ever,’ Showgirls’.  Tiffini Thiessen went from playing Kelly Kapowski, (the worst insult she could muster was, “You….you…un-nice girl!”) to playing the borderline-personality seductress Valerie Malone on 90210.  I guess Bayside high inspires quite the rebellion.  Now before you ask, no, I am not their little sister.

“I’m a dancer!”









9. ‘The Fast and the Furious’ Star Dies in a Car Crash: It may be “too soon” but it certainly is one of the most ironic instances of life imitating art.  The star of the successful street racing franchise spent his final moments on this earth in a sports car.  A beautiful and kind-hearted angel taken too soon.  Ironically, he wasn’t the one driving, let alone racing or speeding.  I blame the Porsche.  RIP.


Top Ten Reasons Why Freddy Krueger = Alcoholism

“Look at us, we’re dropping off like flies here!” – Teen in ‘Nightmare’ 4

1. Freddy never dies no matter how hard you fight him (burning, decapitation, burying, holy water, none of that shit worked).  He is really, really hard to kill, much like the “800 pound gorilla”.
2. He targets teens of parents who tried to destroy him (the genetic component)…hmmm, a family legacy.
3. He uses your worst fears against you (not unlike the alcoholic mind)
4. He trys to get his teenage victims to recruit their friends for him (peer pressure?).  So while the curse is often handed down from the parents, it can also be passed from friend to friend.
5. He steals your soul and feeds off it, which makes him more powerful. “The souls of my children!”
6. The mother of the O.G. Victim, Nancy, was an obvious lush.  Hmmm…
7. In part 2 he possesses a teen whose girlfriend must appeal to the real him inside to exorsize him out.  Who among us doesn’t know what it’s like to try and reach the person inside the sociopathic, monstrous drunk?  “! I know you’re in there somewhere!”
8. He kills teens and makes it look like suicide, much like accidental overdoses and alcohol poisoning.
9. He makes his victims look crazy so that they are institutionalized, much like they used to do with alcoholics when they didn’t know what else to do with us.
10. Didn’t you always wonder why those kids didn’t just get some cocaine to stay up?  What is this Diet Coke bullshit?

Wes Craven, are you a friend of Bill?

Girl Porn Diaries: Move over Andrew Niccol and David Fincher…all hail Steven Soderbergh!

You’re probably wondering what Girl Porn is.  Well, it’s porn for girls.  Movies that are titillating to the fairer sex.  If you’ve ever watched ‘Troy’ on mute, you know what I mean.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, Girl Porn is any mainstream movie (not actual porn) with two or more hot guys (‘Troy’ has Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Eric Bana in it), preferably racing cars, wrestling each other shirtless, shooting guns, fighting, and/or generally being sexy and badass.
[Note: If Brad Pitt is in it, you probably don’t need another hot guy.]

Girl Porn usually also includes excessive gratuitous shirtlessness and occasional homoeroticism. 

Further examples of Girl Porn include (in no particular order):
1.  ‘Interview With The Vampire’ – A homoerotic period piece featuring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Christian Slater. 
2. ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ – Jude and Matt being homoerotic.  Jude is a golden God in that piece of porn.  He’s so hot he outshines Matt Damon, which is difficult to do.
3. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ – Paul Walker being tan and driving fast, and because Tyrese is hot, Vin Diesel, not. 
4. ‘the 24th Day’ – James Marsden and Scott Speedman are sexually involved…enough said.  But I should add that for most of the movie Scott has James tied to a chair. 
5. ‘School Ties’ – Matt Damon & Ben Affleck pre-Oscar, along with Randall Batinkoff and then-hot Brendan Fraser; shower fight scene involving Matt Damon.
6. ‘Good Will Hunting’, for that matter.  Matt Damon f*cking and fighting and being a genius.
7. ‘the Town’, too, on that note. Ben’s abs are the bidness.
8. ‘American Psycho’ – Ummm…yeah. Christian Bale is shredded and shredding others.

“I think my mask of sanity is about to slip…and so’s my towel”

9. ‘Sherlock Holmes’ – Jude and RDJ, more homoeroticism and partial nudity.
10. ‘the Depahhted’ – Matt, Leo, Boston accents and bloodshed.
11. ‘Black Snake Moan’ – It opens with JT having sex (check).  He later gets into a fight (check) and has a gun (check).
12. ‘American History X’ – More like American History SEX!  Sweet preparation for this role, Ed Norton.
13. ‘Straw Dogs’ – James Marsden (he’s in a lot of girl porn) and Aleksander Skarsgaard (drooool) posturing and cock-measuring in the  hot deep south.  Violence ensues.
14. ‘Savages’: Two smokin’ hot drug dealers, one a killer, one a Buddhist, both gorgeous.  Yes.  Abercrombie catalog with guns and drugs.  ‘Laguna Beach’ meets ‘Traffic’.  Yes. Yes. Yes.  Made me feel like my life was inadequate because I don’t have two drug dealer boyfriends who would kill a cartel to rescue me. 

15. All of the ‘Bourne’ movies.  Clearly I’m a Matt Damon fan.

“I can’t remember anything…except for how to fight and have sex!”


These are movies you watch and then need to “be alone”.    They make your boyfriend look utterly sub-par.

But I digress.  David Fincher is especially adept at directing Girl Porn.  This came to my attention when I was told he was the director of the new

Yes, I’m a rich, hot geek.

Justin Timberlake movie (see Brad Pitt note above), ‘The Social Network’, which also has hot twins (“I’m 6’5 220 and there’s two of me!”)   Fincher also brought us ‘Se7en’ (Brad Pitt in all his pre-Aniston glory ranting “What’s in the BOOOX?”), ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, which shows Brad Pitt aging backwards and getting younger and hotter as the movie goes on, and of course the filthiest of porn, ‘Fight Club’ (Brad Pitt.  Ed Norton. Jared Leto.  Shirtless. Fighting.)  Brad Pitt’s abs alone in ‘Fight Club’ are enough to rate a GP classification.  

The next contender for the Greatest GP Director of all time is now Andrew Niccol.  After seeing his latest film, ‘In Time’, I’m convinced he’s gay or just really, really knows what girls like.  He put Justin Timberlake in a movie with guns, sex, a hot car and violence, along with Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, and Toby Hemingway (who randomly drunk-kissed me once).  

Let me do the math for you: 

+       +    +   = Girl Porn.

Add to that the realization that he also did ‘Lord of War’ (gun porn with Ethan Hawke and Jared Leto), and ‘Gattaca’ (a stylish, futuristic thriller starring Ethan Hawke and Jude Law in which intelligence and superior genes–not time or money– is currency), and I’m left with no choice but to crown Andrew Niccol as the new king of Girl Porn.

But, wait!  Hold up.  Steven Soderbergh, what have you done to us?  First there was ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, which automatically makes the grade due to Brad Pitt and Matt Damon being in the same film…but now you bring us ‘Magic Mike’, which boasts the sublime abs of the delicious Alex Pettyfer, the delectable Matt Bomer (who are both coincidentally pictured above), Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and Joe Mangianello.  Granted, I could do without the man-thongs, but the glistening. gyrating perfection in this movie ought to be illegal.  Any movie that puts Matt Bomer and Alex Pettyfer together in a love scene is more than okay by me!

I guess what I’m trying to say is…Thank you, Steven, Andrew & David.  Keep em coming!

Ladies, please feel free to contribute your favorite Girl Porn to the list.

Thank you….Really, thank you.

The Sexual Revolution Ruined Everything

Quote from the TV show ‘Friends’:

Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him. He got you to say he never has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a  great idea?
Phoebe: [weakly] Uh-huh.
Joey: This man is my God! 

I want to preface this by saying that I am guilty of many of the things I am about to bitch about. If you don’t relate, this doesn’t apply to you. If you’re offended, take a look at it. I would also like to say that I am NOT a feminist and am sort of anti-feminist. Yeah we get to vote and work now. Woo. hoo. I’m so happy. BUT…

Did we really get more in the end? I am a firm believer that men only behave as badly as women allow them to get away with. Since the sexual revolution, slowly but surely, things have gotten progressively worse for women. And we wonder why men don’t commit or treat us right? We train them not to. It has been said that men behave as badly as we allow them to, but I think that applies to everyone.

We pretty much uttered the following phrases through our actions:
“We want to work full time AND raise the kids, or dump them on to someone else (and possibly also go to school so our kids will “be proud of us”).”
“You’re a misogynist prick if you try to hold the door open for me or carry something heavy!”
“We want to live with you for years and years and you don’t have to marry us!”
“We want to put out for free. We don’t even need dinner anymore!  In fact, we might go ahead and support you financially!”
“We will accept the terms ‘hanging’, ‘talking’, ‘kickin it’ as synonyms for dating and courting. Then we will be confused about “what we are” and ask our girlfriends what kind of relationship they think we’re in.

News flash, ladies:

There was a time men didn’t behave this way. Why? Because we didn’t tolerate it, nor did society. And because we didn’t put out for bums the way we do now.  (Literally.  I know beautiful, educated women who have slept with homeless men.) So men had to act right or not get any. Or go to prostitutes. But damn, at least they got paid!

And the saddest part is, if me and ten of my girlfriends stopped sleeping with guys who haven’t done anything to earn it, it doesn’t matter because they’ll be fifty other chicks who will put out for free. Starting from junior high. Girls are giving blow jobs before teen years to be accepted.  Women are lining up to sleep with ‘the Situation’, who is the definiton of a “butterface” (though that term doesn’t apply to men, of course!)  It’s like a disease and there’s no cure.  I often long for a “return to traditional moral values”, as Patrick Bateman put it.  But since writing this, I have moved closer toward acceptance of the status quo, knowing I alone can do nothing to change it.  This is the era I was born into.

What am I saying? I don’t fucking know. God knows I’ve trained my share of men to treat women this way. I accepted it as the way it is. But I’m growing so weary of it and wonder what it was like for women before we demanded “equality”.  All I know is, you know how Kate Winslet’s character in ‘Revolutionary Road’ felt?  Well, I feel exactly the OPPOSITE.  Why women want so badly to work and open their own doors is beyond me.  Another news flash: men and women are not the same.  That’s why we have different pronouns.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not by any means saying we are superior or inferior.  I am a woman who is self-supporting, make more money than most of the guys I “date”, and am pursuing a masters.  Why?  Partially because society tells me I have to, but also because I don’t want to be in my mother’s position–dependent on a man and ill-equipped to support herself and her children.

Thanks for nothin’, bitch!

Top 11 Underrated Movies

Movies That Got No Play, aka “Good Bad Movies”

While many mediocre films are being touted simply because of their stars, stunts, or special effects, there are movies that are really intelligent and fun to watch that went under the radar in my opinion.  Here are some of those movies, in no particular order.  Read on as I give meaning to the seemingly meaningless.
1. ‘Jennifer’s Body’: I liked this film much better than the one Diablo Cody is known for, ‘Juno’, which I thought was average and kind of annoying.  ‘Dawson’s Creek’ should be proof that snappy commentary from sarcastic teens does NOT quality entertainment make.  ‘Jennifer’s Body’ has similar annoyingly witty teen-speak, but the underlying themes are quite compelling, if a little dumbed down for the target audience.

–  Diablo Cody explores the theme of female best friends who are codependent.  She even names one of them “Needy”.  I related to the portrayed friendship many times over.  Girls often find their BFF’s are really competitive, crazy, evil bitches who eventually go after their boyfriend.
– The film also touches on the idea of selling your soul for fame and glory, as the Maroon 5 wannabe band literally did.  They would rather sacrifice Jennifer’s Body than ravage it, just so they could be “rich and awesome” and have their favorite M&M colors in their hotel room.   The irony is that they want the fame and money that gives them pimp power so they can GET girls like Megan Fox!  Adam Brody’s character calls to mind far too many guyliner and manscara-wearing hipster assholes I’ve met in my time.  I can’t really blame Needy for slicing and dicing them.  Oh yeah, and what happens to Jennifer after she gets in the van with them?  She becomes hollow and evil and loses her soul, needing to feed on boys to literally survive.  I relate.

-If you read the above, you will see the film is also subtly about sex and love addiction.   When she doesn’t have a boy she’s hollow, cranky, empty; when she does, she’s “really pretty and glowy”.  Fucking brilliant.

The only question I have is why Diablo Cody chose to cast not-so-hot boys for her to eat.  Is it because they’re more expendable?

2. Teeth’ – This indie flick is not for the squeamish or anyone with a penis, as the main character bites them off with her vagina dentata. This film is hilarious and sick, but a cautionary tale against divorce and remarriage, highlighting the perverse chaos and confusion it can cause between opposite-sex siblings.  This revenge flick also makes women feel strangely empowered watching it.  The main character pretty much did what Lorena Bobbitt did.  She’s like a female Dexter who targets sex offenders.  Man-haters rejoice.  This film also takes the theory of evolution to a different level; you know how certain animals have built in body parts that protect them from their otherwise superior predators?  In ‘Teeth’, her anomaly is just a hot virgin’s best defense against all those horny teenagers and dirty old men who try to rape her.  In real life all we have is pepper spray.

3. ‘The Last House on the Left’ – Another cringe-inducing revenge tale, but I thought it was wonderfully acted and suspenseful, and is one of the most visceral revenge films I’ve ever seen.  A girl gets brutally raped and left for dead and her attackers coincidentally seek refuge at her unknowing parents’ house.  Oh, the suspense!  Aaron Paul is a really nice guy, so I feel guilty about how much I enjoyed the scene where his hand gets put down the garbage disposal and he gets a hammer to the skull.  This film also goes to show you that if your son dies, another one will show up at your doorstep begging to be taken away from his abusive father!  One question, though.  If a guy raped your daughter and tried to kill her, then terrorized your family, and you had him paralyzed in your basement, wouldn’t you want to do more than just stick his head in the microwave?  Torture him first, Tony Goldwyn!  You were the villain from ‘Ghost’!
4. A Perfect Getaway’ – This film was beautifully shot, suspenseful, and has Timothy Olyphant in it.  Plus it boasts a pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth with his shirt off.  But other than that, I thought it was really smart and keeps you guessing.  It reminds you that appearances can be deceiving, so don’t judge a book by its cover.  It teases the audience by having the characters talking about the very plot twists we are watching, making us wonder who the red herring actually is.  I love any serial killer flick, but this one was unique in that it addresses the women who love serial killers as well.  It’s like a movie version of the ID show “Wicked Attraction”.  This film is also about addiction to a person and codependency ruining your life.  “I know that your need for detachment fits my need for attachment”.  Go to an Al-Anon meeting, homegirl!

5. ‘Wicker Park’ – The reason I like this underrated Josh Hotnett film is because it’s not a cliche.  It’s not your typical suspense/psychological thriller in that there’s NO MURDER involved in the big reveal (spoiler alert).  In that sense it differs from the ‘Fatal Attraction’s of the world (like ‘Swimfan’).  It kind of gets old when the “villain” is evil because he/she kills.  Can’t people do other bad things?  Sometimes non-violent mind-fuck manipulation is worse.  I also love the fact that three out of the four people involved all behave stalkeriffically, so it’s not as black and white as other character studies.  There is technically only one non-stage-five-clinger in the plot  This film also jumps back and forth in time, using jumbled chronology to tell an atypical story about a love triangle.  It makes you think.  An interesting point of fact is that it could be compared to ‘Fatal Attraction’, and Glenn Close was in ‘Damages’ with Rose Byrne.
6. ‘Don Juan DeMarco’ – I appreciated this movie even more after beginning my Masters in psychology because I understood the terminology. This film-that-got-no-play was one of those life-changers for me.  It made me re-examine my life and strive for more in it.  It reminds me of Paulo Coelho’s book, ‘Veronika Decides to Die’, which explores the thin line between daring to be different and being insane.  Is Johnny Depp’s character crazy because he sees the world differently than most?  Who cares?  He gets laid constantly!

BTW, it’s Johnny Depp, shirtless with a Castillian accent being romantical.  How could it not be good?  If you’re a dreamer or a hopeless romantic, or just plain crazy, this movie is for you.

7. Freeway – A twisted modern-day re-telling of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’, only the big bad wolf is a serial killer and little red is a hood rat!  Who knew southern belle Reese Witherspoon could play illiterate white trash so well?  This movie is cheesy and plain wrong at times, and I often want to drop-kick the continuity editor, but otherwise it’s hilarious and quotable.  Example: “Why are you doing this?” “Because I’m pissed off and the whole world owes me! Now gimme your goddamn money!”
Plus the late great Brittany Murphy plays a lesbian junkie.  Indie gold.

8. Black Snake Moan’ Okay, first of all, this movie starts off with a love scene involving Justin Timberlake.  That should be the end of the story but it ain’t.  This under-appreciated film was probably better than the award winning film by the same writer-director, Craig Brewer, ‘Hustle and Flow’ (though it’s not fair to say since I didn’t bother to see it.)  The edgy film examines the link between childhood sexual abuse and sex addiction, as well as issues of anxiety disorders that go unacknowledged in certain parts of the country.

It’s also very quotable: “She got that sickness…What I’m saying is, she gotta get dick, or she goes crazy.”
The controversial chains with which Samuel L. Jackson binds Christina Ricci to his heater, in my opinion, represent the structure and discipline (or tough love if you will) that the character so desperately needs.  Why else was she able to finally sleep at night when binding herself tightly in them?This movie shows that two people can be extremely “fucked up” and have all kinds of issues but still love each other.
“Rae” reminds me of a white trash version of me.If you do watch it, do yourself a favor and savor the hilarity of the scene in which the young teen Lincoln comes a-knockin!
9. ‘Repo Men’ What happens when a repo man who works for an artificial organ company needs an artificial organ?  Violence and hilarity ensues.  Oh, the irony!
I like this movie because it doesn’t take itself too seriously.  The fact that I was cracking up for most of it, which was dark and gory, tells me there’s something wrong with me.  If I were a producer pitching this script, I’d describe it as ‘Vanilla Sky’ meets ‘Fight Club’.

It’s basically a dark comedy about the evils of consumerism, and a revenge fantasy.

And there’s a love scene involving lots of blood.  Yes, you heard me.  Blood.  Lots of it.  I’m sick.

10. Mr. Brooks’I know, another serial killer movie.  What you must think of me by now.  But I loved this movie, even though Dane Cook is in it.  It was just very poorly marketed.  I remember seeing the ads and thinking “Who the fuck is Mr. Brooks and why should we care?”

“Mr. Brooks” is Kevin Costner and William Hurt is his alter ego / subconscious / “Dark Passenger” named Marshall.  Mr. Brooks is the only one who can see the Marshall character, which I thought was inventive.

This is a dark comedy about how serial murder becomes an addiction like anything else.  This is clearly where Dexter got its season 2 premise from (serial killer goes to 12 step, burying bodies in open graves), but no one noticed because no one saw this movie!
I could have done without Demi Moore hot cop cliche, but her sub-plot was sort of interesting too.  It’s thrilling with fun twists and turns, and I have never liked Kevin Costner more.  I have to wonder if Dexter also named it’s season six “big bad”, Travis Marshall, after this character.
11. ‘Abandon’ – The screenwriter of ‘Traffic’ also wrote this dark, interesting and little-known Katie Holmes film about a grad student with severe daddy abandonment issues.  Quiet and haunting, this is a very important movie for girls.  I watch it every time I feel my own abandonment issues bubbling up.  It doesn’t hurt that a pre-‘Sons of Anarchy’ Charlie Hunnam is the wraith-like torturous abandoner.  And I like how they made spur-annoying Zooey Deschanel blonde so she wouldn’t be too similar to Katie Holmes.  Benjamin Bratt’s recovering alcoholic is on point.  Any movie with Tony Goldwyn (even when he’s an ethics-free therapist) is okay by me.  I love the twist ending.  But most of all, I love this abandoned girl.  I love the fact that this movie shows how depressed she is when she is missing her ex; how haunted, how unanimated.  There she is: a brilliant and self-made grad student who came from nothing and got into a great school.  She’s almost finished with her thesis, she has brains, beauty, friends and a prestigious and coveted post-grad school job offer complete with an expense account.  And all she can think of is her douchebag narcissist ex boyfriend who left her and the alcoholic cop who’s trying to find him.  She’s about to give up the opportunity of her lifetime–one we’ve seen her drudgingly work towards in a zombie like state during the entire movie, so she can spend the summer in New Hampshire with the cop who “doesn’t even know this is what she’s thinking”.  When her friend points out, “The last time you were this irrational was with Embry!”  She says pathetically, “Maybe that’s the last time I was happy!”  If that doesn’t paint the portrait of a woman whose happiness depends, not on her own accomplishments, but on whether a man wants her, I don’t know what does.
P.S. It’s not at all what the trailer implies.