Girl Porn Diaries: Move over Andrew Niccol and David Fincher…all hail Steven Soderbergh!

You’re probably wondering what Girl Porn is.  Well, it’s porn for girls.  Movies that are titillating to the fairer sex.  If you’ve ever watched ‘Troy’ on mute, you know what I mean.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, Girl Porn is any mainstream movie (not actual porn) with two or more hot guys (‘Troy’ has Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Eric Bana in it), preferably racing cars, wrestling each other shirtless, shooting guns, fighting, and/or generally being sexy and badass.
[Note: If Brad Pitt is in it, you probably don’t need another hot guy.]


Girl Porn usually also includes excessive gratuitous shirtlessness and occasional homoeroticism. 

Further examples of Girl Porn include (in no particular order):
1.  ‘Interview With The Vampire’ – A homoerotic period piece featuring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Christian Slater. 
2. ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ – Jude and Matt being homoerotic.  Jude is a golden God in that piece of porn.  He’s so hot he outshines Matt Damon, which is difficult to do.
3. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ – Paul Walker being tan and driving fast, and because Tyrese is hot, Vin Diesel, not. 
4. ‘the 24th Day’ – James Marsden and Scott Speedman are sexually involved…enough said.  But I should add that for most of the movie Scott has James tied to a chair. 
5. ‘School Ties’ – Matt Damon & Ben Affleck pre-Oscar, along with Randall Batinkoff and then-hot Brendan Fraser; shower fight scene involving Matt Damon.
6. ‘Good Will Hunting’, for that matter.  Matt Damon f*cking and fighting and being a genius.
7. ‘the Town’, too, on that note. Ben’s abs are the bidness.
8. ‘American Psycho’ – Ummm…yeah. Christian Bale is shredded and shredding others.

“I think my mask of sanity is about to slip…and so’s my towel”

9. ‘Sherlock Holmes’ – Jude and RDJ, more homoeroticism and partial nudity.
10. ‘the Depahhted’ – Matt, Leo, Boston accents and bloodshed.
11. ‘Black Snake Moan’ – It opens with JT having sex (check).  He later gets into a fight (check) and has a gun (check).
12. ‘American History X’ – More like American History SEX!  Sweet preparation for this role, Ed Norton.
13. ‘Straw Dogs’ – James Marsden (he’s in a lot of girl porn) and Aleksander Skarsgaard (drooool) posturing and cock-measuring in the  hot deep south.  Violence ensues.
14. ‘Savages’: Two smokin’ hot drug dealers, one a killer, one a Buddhist, both gorgeous.  Yes.  Abercrombie catalog with guns and drugs.  ‘Laguna Beach’ meets ‘Traffic’.  Yes. Yes. Yes.  Made me feel like my life was inadequate because I don’t have two drug dealer boyfriends who would kill a cartel to rescue me. 


15. All of the ‘Bourne’ movies.  Clearly I’m a Matt Damon fan.

“I can’t remember anything…except for how to fight and have sex!”

 

These are movies you watch and then need to “be alone”.    They make your boyfriend look utterly sub-par.

But I digress.  David Fincher is especially adept at directing Girl Porn.  This came to my attention when I was told he was the director of the new

Yes, I’m a rich, hot geek.

Justin Timberlake movie (see Brad Pitt note above), ‘The Social Network’, which also has hot twins (“I’m 6’5 220 and there’s two of me!”)   Fincher also brought us ‘Se7en’ (Brad Pitt in all his pre-Aniston glory ranting “What’s in the BOOOX?”), ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, which shows Brad Pitt aging backwards and getting younger and hotter as the movie goes on, and of course the filthiest of porn, ‘Fight Club’ (Brad Pitt.  Ed Norton. Jared Leto.  Shirtless. Fighting.)  Brad Pitt’s abs alone in ‘Fight Club’ are enough to rate a GP classification.  

The next contender for the Greatest GP Director of all time is now Andrew Niccol.  After seeing his latest film, ‘In Time’, I’m convinced he’s gay or just really, really knows what girls like.  He put Justin Timberlake in a movie with guns, sex, a hot car and violence, along with Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, and Toby Hemingway (who randomly drunk-kissed me once).  

Let me do the math for you: 

+       +    +   = Girl Porn.

Add to that the realization that he also did ‘Lord of War’ (gun porn with Ethan Hawke and Jared Leto), and ‘Gattaca’ (a stylish, futuristic thriller starring Ethan Hawke and Jude Law in which intelligence and superior genes–not time or money– is currency), and I’m left with no choice but to crown Andrew Niccol as the new king of Girl Porn.

But, wait!  Hold up.  Steven Soderbergh, what have you done to us?  First there was ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, which automatically makes the grade due to Brad Pitt and Matt Damon being in the same film…but now you bring us ‘Magic Mike’, which boasts the sublime abs of the delicious Alex Pettyfer, the delectable Matt Bomer (who are both coincidentally pictured above), Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and Joe Mangianello.  Granted, I could do without the man-thongs, but the glistening. gyrating perfection in this movie ought to be illegal.  Any movie that puts Matt Bomer and Alex Pettyfer together in a love scene is more than okay by me!

I guess what I’m trying to say is…Thank you, Steven, Andrew & David.  Keep em coming!

Ladies, please feel free to contribute your favorite Girl Porn to the list.

Thank you….Really, thank you.
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About shabanamalone

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern currently practicing in Southern California. My other passion is film. I believe movies and television are like funhouse mirrors reflecting reality. Art imitating life. View all posts by shabanamalone

3 responses to “Girl Porn Diaries: Move over Andrew Niccol and David Fincher…all hail Steven Soderbergh!

  • shabanamalone

    Comments carried over from FB:
    Zara Medina ‎”The Departed”- Matt and Leo desperately looking for each other for 2 1/2 hours, with the climax on the roof, plus Boston accents. “Sherlock Holmes”- shirtless fighting, RDJ and Jude. “Snatch”- meets the above-mentioned Brad Pitt criteria. Guy Ritchie’s also a GP director- watch out Fincher!
    September 8, 2010 at 3:25pm · Like
    Shabana Malone Thank you. I lower my head in shame for forgetting those. That’s what I have you for. You said “climax”.
    September 8, 2010 at 4:45pm · Like

    Zara Medina ‎”The Hurt Locker”, which also has a porn title if u think about it.
    September 9, 2010 at 11:21am · Like
    Shabana Malone Yes, definitely porn. But the title? Hmm…
    September 9, 2010 at 11:36am · Like

    Zara Medina He hurt my locker!
    September 9, 2010 at 11:36am · Like
    Shabana Malone Hahaha Oh yeah! My locker hurts.
    September 9, 2010 at 12:23pm · Like
    Shabana Malone Thanks, Tommy! “Tommy Tommy Tommy” (as I quote another GP). I should get my masters in pornology
    September 11, 2010 at 6:50pm · Like
    Shabana Malone ‎’The Talented Mr. Ripley’…the great Philip Seymour Hoffman said it
    September 12, 2010 at 9:42pm · Like

    Lily Noëlle Rogers ok, ok, im a sicko, but definitely American History X……Edward Norton is delicious. Annnnd Terminator Salavation, and though I cringe to say it, Avatar….Sam Worthington is amazing. And yes, Brad is AMAZING in snatch…..in that unintelligible way. And the prepubescent girl in me demands that we add devon sawa in Casper to this list……cmon
    September 21, 2010 at 4:47pm · Like
    Shabana Malone you are a sicko, as am I. In full agreement on American History X. “See this? This means not welcome! He makes racism hot. Sam Worthington is definitely hot enough to rate girl porn alone. Yes, Snatch and any other Brad Pitt film is GP. Okay, Devon can be on the list but not in Casper, that would be kiddie porn! haha
    September 21, 2010 at 4:54pm · Like

  • harry debby

    BP in “Kalifornia” hello?! He could kill me anyday…

  • harry debby

    oh yeah my fav BP role for best Girl Porn is – drum role please…

    stoner dude in True Romance!

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