The Sexual Revolution Ruined Everything

Quote from the TV show ‘Friends’:

Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him. He got you to say he never has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a  great idea?
Phoebe: [weakly] Uh-huh.
Joey: This man is my God! 

I want to preface this by saying that I am guilty of many of the things I am about to bitch about. If you don’t relate, this doesn’t apply to you. If you’re offended, take a look at it. I would also like to say that I am NOT a feminist and am sort of anti-feminist. Yeah we get to vote and work now. Woo. hoo. I’m so happy. BUT…

Did we really get more in the end? I am a firm believer that men only behave as badly as women allow them to get away with. Since the sexual revolution, slowly but surely, things have gotten progressively worse for women. And we wonder why men don’t commit or treat us right? We train them not to. It has been said that men behave as badly as we allow them to, but I think that applies to everyone.

We pretty much uttered the following phrases through our actions:
“We want to work full time AND raise the kids, or dump them on to someone else (and possibly also go to school so our kids will “be proud of us”).”
“You’re a misogynist prick if you try to hold the door open for me or carry something heavy!”
“We want to live with you for years and years and you don’t have to marry us!”
“We want to put out for free. We don’t even need dinner anymore!  In fact, we might go ahead and support you financially!”
“We will accept the terms ‘hanging’, ‘talking’, ‘kickin it’ as synonyms for dating and courting. Then we will be confused about “what we are” and ask our girlfriends what kind of relationship they think we’re in.

News flash, ladies:

There was a time men didn’t behave this way. Why? Because we didn’t tolerate it, nor did society. And because we didn’t put out for bums the way we do now.  (Literally.  I know beautiful, educated women who have slept with homeless men.) So men had to act right or not get any. Or go to prostitutes. But damn, at least they got paid!

And the saddest part is, if me and ten of my girlfriends stopped sleeping with guys who haven’t done anything to earn it, it doesn’t matter because they’ll be fifty other chicks who will put out for free. Starting from junior high. Girls are giving blow jobs before teen years to be accepted.  Women are lining up to sleep with ‘the Situation’, who is the definiton of a “butterface” (though that term doesn’t apply to men, of course!)  It’s like a disease and there’s no cure.  I often long for a “return to traditional moral values”, as Patrick Bateman put it.  But since writing this, I have moved closer toward acceptance of the status quo, knowing I alone can do nothing to change it.  This is the era I was born into.

What am I saying? I don’t fucking know. God knows I’ve trained my share of men to treat women this way. I accepted it as the way it is. But I’m growing so weary of it and wonder what it was like for women before we demanded “equality”.  All I know is, you know how Kate Winslet’s character in ‘Revolutionary Road’ felt?  Well, I feel exactly the OPPOSITE.  Why women want so badly to work and open their own doors is beyond me.  Another news flash: men and women are not the same.  That’s why we have different pronouns.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not by any means saying we are superior or inferior.  I am a woman who is self-supporting, make more money than most of the guys I “date”, and am pursuing a masters.  Why?  Partially because society tells me I have to, but also because I don’t want to be in my mother’s position–dependent on a man and ill-equipped to support herself and her children.

Thanks for nothin’, bitch!
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About shabanamalone

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern currently practicing in Southern California. My other passion is film. I believe movies and television are like funhouse mirrors reflecting reality. Art imitating life. View all posts by shabanamalone

2 responses to “The Sexual Revolution Ruined Everything

  • shabanamalone

    Carried over from FB:

    Jen Friel:
    god i love you. lets catch up next week xoxo http://www.talknerdytomelo​ver.com/home/2010/9/3/the-​sexual-revolution-ruined-e​verything.html
    September 3, 2010 at 5:50pm · Like

    Shahana Medina Polselli:
    Wow that was so dead on and profound! You should seriously submit this to Cosmo. I bet it would get published!!
    September 3, 2010 at 7:59pm · Like
    Shabana Malone Thank you! Ya think??
    September 3, 2010 at 8:37pm · Like

    Elizabeth Rosselle:
    Agreed, love. Cosmo needs to read this. And amen! 😉
    September 3, 2010 at 8:46pm · Like
    Shabana Malone Uh oh Beth, do I smell a coffee table book in our future?
    September 3, 2010 at 8:57pm · Like

    Jen Friel:
    or, a new app!! screw the coffee table =)
    September 3, 2010 at 8:58pm · Like
    Shabana Malone lol how technologically advanced of you, Jen =)
    September 3, 2010 at 8:58pm · Like

    Jen Friel besides cosmo is too irrelevant. how many times have we read about bedazzling our va jayjays or finding what REALLY turns a man on. #yawn
    September 3, 2010 at 8:59pm · Like

    Elizabeth Rosselle:
    or both!
    September 3, 2010 at 9:02pm · Like

    Shahana Medina Polselli I disagree. Those are the articles they put on the cover but this article is exacly the kind of thing they would publish.
    September 3, 2010 at 9:03pm · Like

    Jen Friel oh absolutely this would get published. either way it rocks – just saying print = dead.
    September 3, 2010 at 9:11pm · Like
    Shabana Malone aw thanks guys you’re making me feel great. bedazzling our va jay jays!? omg miss you
    September 3, 2010 at 9:31pm · Like

    Eytan Sugarman:
    Some of this I agree with, much of it I dont..

    Shabana Malone: Do tell. I’d love to hear a guy’s opinion
    September 5, 2010 at 9:25pm · Like

    Eytan Sugarman:
    U sure?
    September 5, 2010 at 9:33pm · Like

    Chris Higgins:
    It can be also said that it is now mostly dickheads who chase women or game them while nicer reasonable men don’t even approach woman for fear of being to forward, judged or rejected. Many of the men who consider women as objects or projects overpopulated the dating pool of attractive women and thus the consensus if formed that men are dogs
    September 5, 2010 at 9:33pm via Facebook Mobile · Like
    Shabana Malone Yes by all means
    September 5, 2010 at 9:36pm · Like
    Shabana Malone Chris, that’s a good point
    September 5, 2010 at 9:37pm · Like

    Eytan Sugarman:
    I agree with your mourning the loss of chivalry, and gentleman treating women like ladies, and all the nice gestures and routines that go along with that. Having said this, what I dont agree with is using sex as a reward for good behavior. I think in the end if someone doesn’t want to commit, then you’re well rid of them. I dont think one makes a major mistake by sleeping with someone before they find that out. In the end sex should be about alot of things, but mostly, just a mutual desire. Their is something very annoying, and off putting about being made to feel like you have to jump through the obligatory hoops before you can be rewarded with sex. To me it feels like a dog being told to sit before you give him his treat. Thats enough to make me want to move on. I’m not saying anyone should do it before they are ready and willing, but it should come from a pure place with no strings attached. In the end you want someone to stay and become open to commitment, because they want to,and because the fit is right. Things have changed as they always do over time, and women have become more open and comfortable with their sexuality and their enjoyment of it, as society has gotten out of the stone ages and accepted that all humans have desires. I think rules and standards have changed, in some ways for the better in others, maybe not so much. But female empowerment is way bigger than sexuality. And the simple truth is, that for whatever reason, to a great extent men and women simply DONT UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER..Period. We are just wired differently..Dont try to force a man into being a better man by withholding the sex until he’s a good boy. All that will achieve is forcing him to put on an act to get what he wants. And once he’s gotten enough of it, he’s gone..Enjoy the act for what it is only if and when you both want to take that plunge..Dont think about what it means, or how this changes things, just accept your normal human desires and make the most of the moment. If the moment develops into something meaningful, that’s wonderful, but beware, more often than not, it wont…Just enjoy the moment, and whatever is meant to be, will be……
    September 5, 2010 at 10:08pm · Like

    Tatiana Steelman:
    omg shabana, i love it! this is great…always love your guy advice ad out chats 🙂 think we really need guys to become gentleman again!!
    September 5, 2010 at 10:18pm · Unlike · 2 people

    Shabana Malone: Thanks for that perspective, E. It was reassuring and I agree with it. It sometimes seems like men and women play that game because society encourages it. I personally don’t use sex as currency and seem to get burned for it. Makes me wonder if that’s how I should play it. But I love the idea that sex should be about mutual attraction and what’s meant to be will be…
    September 5, 2010 at 10:43pm · Like

    Ashley Dane:
    Oh my gosh, I’ve been thinking about this very thing. I thought maybe we (women) took our liberation and then stood there not knowing what to do with it (like birds desperate to get out of cages who then didn’t know what to do with their wings once they were out) , so we did everything, womankind, chaotically and created a hot mess. I don’t think its a return to old fashioned thinking but an overhaul in our values. And YES, men behave exactly the way we let them. Men are not chivalrous, by and large, because we do not require it.

    Men respect women who respect themselves, who have a value system that reflects respect for themselves (and others) and don’t need someone to complete them but are whole all on their own, who aren’t looking for a white knight to rescue them but are willing to let the man be the man and to enjoy all the things that set us apart from each other, allowing us to be feminine and nurturing when appropriate, strong and unstoppable when necessary. Its not to put us back in the confines of the cage, but to educate a women how to use their wings. When to come forward and when to yield, and stop blaming men for everything when our part, COLLECTIVELY, is allowing men to get away with bad behavior by accepting it so readily. I have personally found that by holding a man to his highest good and setting the bar, they endeavor to reach the bar. And if they don’t, they will quickly retreat and run off to find someone with a lower bar, or more likely no bar at all.

    I love that you wrote this, thank you for tagging me, its like you crawled into my brain. Ask Laura- this has been exactly what we have been talking about for weeks and weeks. xoxo!
    September 5, 2010 at 11:34pm · Like

    Toni Marie Sangetti
    omg…Shabana….this statement stands out the most do “men only treat us the way we let them”…from my experiences of the same shitty stufff happening to me over and over again…is simply because i stay in the insanity of what is suppose to be called a “relationship” and wonder why i am always the being treated this way…..duh…answer being i stay and participate…any woman who is healthy and loves her self…truly loves her self knows her worth and has boundries and knows what is acceptable and what is not and trusts that inner voice to be the truth her truth as a woman….i have been guilty of all this! That is why i have made a promise to my inner self to work on my self and get to know myself, and truly love myelf for me….not for the way i look..but to truly love myself for what i am made up of…..
    September 6, 2010 at 9:25am · Like

    Kristal Vick:
    Beautiful Toni. I agree. There are some women who will put up with any indignity to be in a relationship and who turn around and preach womens empowerment. I think we are all here to teach each other lessons and sometimes the lesson is “don’t do this” or “I’m delusional”.
    September 6, 2010 at 9:28am

    Kim Farber:
    When a women is willing to tolerating the feeling of disapproval from a man, she is free from being a slave to his will. Men’s disapproval is not the problem, women’s need for their approval is.
    September 6, 2010 at 12:54pm

    Tim Green:
    I agree with the spirit of this article, there are several factor/ nuances at work here:

    1) The sexual revolution does benefit men as they can be TOTAL pigs and its even more accepted. Women were duped, because we convinced you all that being trashy whores are cool. See the career of Kesha.

    2) Chivalry is dead because women are not acting “sweet” anymore. Women are very domineering nowadays and really aren’t acting feminine enough to get chivalrous acts. If you think you can kick my ass, I am not buying you flowers!

    3) Stop fucking the bad boy and thinking its cute. Bad boys definitely won’t be taking your child trick or treating, that’s why they are BAD boys. Stop rewarding the Situation with his revolting behavior with your bodies.

    4) You can’t have it all!!! Women of the 70’s are finding out that they can’t have it all. Many put off families for career and now have aged out of fertility. There is always a trade off. Two income families = more $$$, but your kids will be raised by teachers, neighbors, and extended family…or the corrections system!

    5) Sugarman, I think its easier for us men to promote the nihilistic vision of free love, but as men, we don’t suffer stigma and we don’t get penetrated. There is a certain vulnerability that they experience that us “stick and movers” can’t relate to…so they can’t give up the cooch “on demand.”

    6) People only treat you as you allow them to. You can’t control somebody disrespecting you once, but don’t have to let it happen again.
    September 7, 2010 at 7:38am

    Gladys Santillanes:
    I want to be courted! Dudes, if you are not sure what that means…look it up! Also, if I have to ask some one else what’s going on in my relationship there’s a pretty good chance that I am not in one.
    September 7, 2010 at 9:38am

    Tim, you took the words out of my mouth on all those points. I agree whole-heartedly. You spoke it like a true Gemini!
    1) LMAO “Career of Kesha”, and don’t forget Paris Hilton.
    2) Exactly. I don’t get women who want to fight and be men. Why? See JWOW.
    3) OMG exactly! The Situations of the world are getting rewarded and revered when they should be ridiculed and cast out
    4) Exactly exactly exactly!! YOU CANNOT HAVE IT ALL. In the real world, choices have to be made. Something’s gotta give. You can’t be a full time mother, wife, student and employee all at once. There isn’t actually enough time to do that. You end up doing each thing half-assed and fucking up your life.
    5) Good point about the stigma and penetration. Once again, we are different.
    6) My point exactly. Thanks, Tim. I think I have a crush on you again!
    September 7, 2010 at 3:18pm · Like

    Gladys Santillanes: Kesha = Dumb Hoe
    September 7, 2010 at 3:36pm · Unlike ·

    Tim Green Shabana, I think I know of a tree we can go to…see you on Thanksgiving!
    September 8, 2010 at 9:30pm · Like
    Shabana Malone Haha my memory fails me on that one but I’m getting vague flashbacks of a weeping willow?….
    September 10, 2010 at 11:47am · Like

    Tim Green We deserve to be pretty too!!! 1994
    September 11, 2010 at 9:34am · Like

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