Top 5 Things To Watch If You’re Having A Girlfight

Okay, I’m not talking about Jerry Springer or Jersey Shore girlfights.  No physical altercations here.  This is all mental warfare.

That’s why I’m not recommending the movie ‘Girlfight’.  (Also, I haven’t seen it.)

As Melissa Joan Hart described her competitive “best friend” in the movie ‘Drive Me Crazy’, “When boys compete, it’s overt. Ringing a bell with a sledgehammer, loogie chucking, the size of your engine, whatever. But when girls compete, it’s art.  And Alicia…she’s an artist.”
There’s a reason why guy friendships get the term “Bromance” and girl friendships get the term “Frenemies”

So, here is what I suggest watching if you have a competition “artist” on your hands and feel like a cathartic release (without getting skin under your nails and a felony conviction):

1. ‘The Hills’ – Granted, it’s trashy, fake, and represents everything that’s wrong with the world.  But it is a re-touched and plastic reflection of what really goes on in female relationships everywhere.  Know how I know?  Because I’ve witnessed and experienced it over and over.  The cattiness, the two-facedness, the competition, the fighting over a boy…LC vs. Heidi; LC vs. Stephanie; Kristin vs. Audrina; Audrina vs. Lo; all the girls vs. Kristin; and on and on…These bitches just can’t all get along.  There always has to be an odd woman out.

Audrina vs. Lo illustrates what I like to call The Theory of Three, which I may write about separately.  I have this theory that three girls cannot be best friends. Estrogen triangles do not work.  Because as soon as one of them leaves the room they are talked about.  The old best friend is always threatened by the new best friend.  But I digress…I could go on and on about how accurate ‘the Hills’ is about girl drama.  You can’t make that shit up, and those girls can’t act that well.

“It’s like everyone doesn’t want us to be friends!”

2. ‘Mean Girls’ – This one’s sort of obvious.  We’ve all known a Regina George.  Beautiful, popular and scary as all get-out.  Tina Fey does a brilliant job in illuminating “girl world”, in which different rules of engagement apply.  She even illustrates what we girls would do to each other if those rules didn’t apply (jungle fight!) Instead we smile and make nice while stabbing our friends in the back.  Or sometimes the front.  Some girls just like drama.  These are the mean girls.  Sometimes our greatest enemies were once our best friends.

3. ‘Jennifer’s Body’ – Another study in the competitive nature of BFF’s.  Yes it’s a horror comedy, but it explores important themes like codependency, same sex rivalry and false idol worship.  Even though Jennifer had to become possessed by a demon before her bestie could really see her true, evil colors, she was never a good best friend to “Needy” (what a classic name).  She only used her as a wing-chick and to feel superior at all times.  Even if Jennifer didn’t become a succubus, she would have gone after her best friend’s boyfriend eventually.  They all do it.  Case in point, while trying to eat Needy’s boyfriend, Jennifer wanted him to say, “You’re better than Needy.” and when he wouldn’t, she got enraged.  Every female relationship has an undercurrent of rage-filled competition.

“Yeah…two years ago, back when you were socially relevant!”

4. ‘The In Crowd’ – “I brought you in…and if you decide to fuck with me, I can just as easily throw you out!”  That quote says it all.  This is a divinely shallow good-bad movie about a really hot chick who hates this other hot chick because she looks just like the first hot chick’s missing sister.  Pseudo-sibling rivalry and girlfights ensue.  This movie is a psychological thriller that shows how hell really hath no fury like a woman scorned.  Especially a pissed off little sister who’s sick of living in big sis’s shadow and wants her boyfriend.  But seriously, the way manipulative Brittany charms Adrien into becoming her best friend and then tried to control situations to keep her away from the guy Brittany wants, is classic frenemy behavior.  She’s so seductive and generous, you’re insta-BFF’s.  But the minute you cross her (with a guy, probably) her fangs (and the shovels) come out.

Competitiveness, cattiness, sibling rivalry and how beautiful women can seduce even each other, are all examined.  Brittany reminds me of that dangerous bitch you know is trouble but you want to hang with her anyway.  This movie goes to extremes to make a point.  This mean girl will go so far as to frame you for murder if you cross her.  She will get you committed to an insane asylum without thinking twice.

5. ‘Thirteen’ – Even though this is about girls who are barely pubescent, I could relate to the friendship between these two young vixens.  One day you’re making out with your best friend and the next she’s blowing your boyfriend and telling your mom about your cutting habit.  Evie is that lost soul who’s pretty and exciting but toxic.  You want to help her but she drags you down with her.  Tracy got to the point where she said “I can’t even remember how to spell photography.”  As soon as she parts from Evie all Tracy’s secrets are out, she’s left utterly isolated and broken, and Evie is rolling around with all her old friends/Tracy’s boyfriend.  Was that why the movie ended with Tracy letting out a primal scream?

On second thought, maybe risk the felony conviction and duke it out and then go get a beer.  Like the boys do.


About shabanamalone

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern currently practicing in Southern California. My other passion is film. I believe movies and television are like funhouse mirrors reflecting reality. Art imitating life. View all posts by shabanamalone

2 responses to “Top 5 Things To Watch If You’re Having A Girlfight

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