7 Pretty Boys Who Try To Be Ugly

Okay, so I have a theory about pretty boys:  They don’t want to be pretty.  This is, in part, because they get shit from their ugly, hater-rific friends for getting all the action, so they try to ugly up to gain street cred.  Uglies will do whatever they can to bring down a pretty.  They’re just jealous that pretty boys just have to stand there to get ass.

Sometimes pretty boys just lop off their goldi-locks and get tatted up, a la Justin Timberlake or David Beckham, and then they are accepted by many more of their peers.  JT has shaved his head then grew his hair back, but never again rocked the frosted geri curl. That and the fact that he ditched the boy band and banged A-list chicks got him endless street cred.

But sometimes, pretty boys go to great lengths to reject their God-given beauty.  I don’t know if it’s because they want to appear more masculine or are sick of the treatment that goes along with being a pin-up, but it really fucking annoys me. You’re gorgeous! Own it!  Use it!  Take a cue from JT.  He’s sexy, he knows it, and he claps his hands.
Note: I am not talking about gaining or losing weight for a role and then slimming down to original hotness, like Christian Bale.  That’s called devotion to your craft. 
I’m talking about never taking pretty boy roles or trying to be ugly or weird to seem badass.  

1. Johnny Depp: Okay, ya’ll know this one is true.  He got a liiiitle objectified on 21 Jump Street and ever since then he’s been trying to shed his pretty boy image.  He has openly expressed his discomfort with being viewed as a piece of meat, and we get it.  Aside from roles like the one in  ‘Cry-Baby’ (in which he spoofed the heart throb image), and ‘Don Juan DeMarco’, most of his roles have been, well, weird.  He will put cutting utencils on his hands, wear a fiery orange wig, or eyeliner and a scraggly beard if it means not having to be a hot leading man.  He and Tim Burton should just get married.  Or form an unholy polyamorous trinity with Helena Bonham Carter.  I sitll love him, but damn! Just show us your chiseled abs and stunning features once in a while! Show off those amazing genes God gave you.

 I’m sick of being this hot!

2. Jared Leto: Any girl around my age knows that Jordan Catalano, not Jared Leto, was one of the hottest things in the world.  That hair, that jacket, that black string around his neck, the way he leaned…(sigh).  Jared Leto was never as hot as when he was Jordan Catalano.  He played dim-witted indifference to perfection!  And ever since then he went all rocker on us, wearing eyeliner and black nail polish.  Now he has that dirty-hot emo hipster sexiness, but it’s not the same.  I’m not counting the weight gain for ‘Chapter 27’ (see above).  But seeing him getting his face beat in in ‘Fight Club’ was a little traumatizing for me.  Bring back Jordan Catalano!  I miss him!  Even though he couldn’t read.
3. Brad Pitt: Yes, I know he’s the sexiest man alive and it’s pretty difficult for him to be otherwise, but he sure has tried.  Remember when he had that really long hair and Jesus beard?  He kinda looked like a really hot homeless man.  Remember ’12 Monkeys’ when he had that wonky eye?  No one wants to see that!  And lately he’s sporting black hair and a gray beard!  Come on, Brad, I know it gets tiring being that hot, but your baby mama’s last name is french for “pretty”.  It’s your destiny.  You’re a Golden God.
 Guess you don’t have to work at it anymore once you bag Angelina
4. Vince Vaughn: He was really only hot in one movie, as far as I’m concerned, maybe two if you count ‘Rudy’.  But he was pretty fucking hot in ‘Swingers’.  Let’s face it.  He was a pretty boy.  And I dunno if he wanted to be “funny guy” instead of “pretty boy” so he could pal around with Luke Wilson, or if he just couldn’t control the alcohol bloat…all I know is he ain’t pretty no mo!
5.  Brendan Fraser: Remember when he was hot?  In ‘School Ties’ playing a hot Jew and partook in naked fighting with Matt Damon in the shower (see my girl porn post); In ‘Encino Man’ grunting and being a cro-mag hottie; in ‘George of the Jungle’ being all kinds of ripped and running around with only a loin cloth on.  Those were the days.  I think he took the monkey business too far.  Literally!  It seems like every movie after that was about monkeys or animals or some such nonsense.  He says he does those movies for his kids, but did he have to get fat and unattractive?  Less talking, more benching, funny man.
If you could look like this,
why wouldn’t you?
7. James Franco: First it seemed like he was going the Paul Rudd route of doing gross-out humor roles instead of leading man roles, even though he’s clearly hot (last time Paul Rudd played a straight leading man was the first movie I ever saw him in–‘Clueless’). But now it seems like in order to be accepted by the Seth Rogen’s of the world and have funny-cred, Franco has gone the extra mile to ugly himself up. Maybe he did it so he would be less likely to entice high school girls, but either way the transformation is complete. Now Seth Rogen might be the prettier of the two. At least he’s still got hair.
james_franco_1220739125 IMG_0574
In sum, I have dated actors I had crushes on in earlier years who have really let their looks go, and if it weren’t for the fact that my vision is distorted (when I look at them I see how they looked on televsion), they probably wouldn’t get any.
One particular actor I dated used to look like a porcelain doll until he started overeating, smoking weed everyday and not doing shit else.  Now he’s kinda fat, when he used to play the popular boy on TV.  And he’s not even 30!  So sad.
Pretty boys, please own it.  And just there and look good.  Stop denying the pretty  It’s a gift.
"Artifact" Premiere - 2012 Toronto International Film Festival
Seriously dude.  No-shave November is NO excuse.  I can smell your beard from here.

About shabanamalone

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern currently practicing in Southern California. My other passion is film. I believe movies and television are like funhouse mirrors reflecting reality. Art imitating life. View all posts by shabanamalone

One response to “7 Pretty Boys Who Try To Be Ugly

  • shabanamalone

    Alex Désert and Tatiana Steelman like this.

    Tatiana Steelman:
    love it shabana!!
    September 21, 2010 at 5:38pm · Like

    Elizabeth Rosselle:
    Hilarious and true! Although I used to date a lot of hot guys who wore eyeliner when I was younger so I dunno, I can get into weird from time to time. Then again I am a little weird :/ These blog posts are bad ass, Shabana.
    September 21, 2010 at 6:00pm · Like

    September 21, 2010 at 6:00pm · Like
    Shabana Malone:
    Pretty boy with an edge like tattoos, or even sometimes manscara, is okay but some guys take it tooo far.
    September 21, 2010 at 6:01pm · Like

    Elizabeth Rosselle:
    There’s a fine line between having an edge and just trying WAY too hard to look like a badass…
    September 21, 2010 at 6:05pm · Like

    Shabana Malone:
    Exactly my point! You can tell some guys just wish their faces weren’t so damn pretty, which I think is a crying shame.
    September 21, 2010 at 6:06pm · Like

    Elizabeth Rosselle:
    So very true. :/ Maybe they’d be okay with being pretty if they left Hollywood and went somewhere where no one cared what they looked like.
    September 21, 2010 at 6:12pm · Like

    Elizabeth Rosselle:
    BTW, I’m not referring to us 😉 Talkin’ about the ones who go out of their way to ass kiss to the point of making you want to barf (you know the ones). We have more class than that, lol.
    September 21, 2010 at 6:19pm · Like

    Kerry Cohen: Jordan Catalano….droooolll
    September 21, 2010 at 7:43pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Shabana Malone:
    Oh, I know who you’re referring to, Beth! =)
    September 21, 2010 at 11:48pm · Like

    Elizabeth Rosselle:
    ya, there are several, but there’s one in particular who is gross! =)
    September 22, 2010 at 12:15am · Like

    Shabana Malone:
    Oh yes, i know the one =)
    September 22, 2010 at 12:18am · Like

    Wayne Mahon:
    Remember the first time Jordan Catalano held Angela’s hand in public after always hiding her in the boiler room 🙂
    September 22, 2010 at 8:21am · Unlike · 1 person

    Tim Green:
    ‎1) I am going to steal the term “dim-witted indifference.”I love that. It describes my BFF to a tee…
    2) Neck tattoos are a male tramp stamp. Never take a guy seriously with one….for more than one night.
    3) I don’t buy a “pretty boy being so disgusted he is sick of all the attention, so he disfigures himself” theory. I think its more of the “Justin Dailey” theory (Peaking in HS theory)
    When you have to STRUGGLE to be a 6-8 on the hot scale from being a natural 4 in hotness…you work hard at maintaining your looks. Look at the hotties from yesteryear. They let their looks go, as they took them for granted. If they had to work for it, they would not let it go so easily.
    September 22, 2010 at 10:16am · Unlike · 1 person

    Shabana Malone:
    Hahaha “male tramp stamp”. Love it!!! Can I meet your BFF? Lol
    I think Justin Dailey Syndrome is different than Pretty Boy self-hate syndrome. Jared Leto didn’t let himself go but he hides his pretty. People like Brad Renfro and Corey Haim let drugs and age steal their good looks–and their lives =(
    September 22, 2010 at 2:15pm · Like

    Gladys Santillanes:
    Benicio Del Toro – was pretty in the way early 90’s and now looks like roadkill.
    September 22, 2010 at 3:26pm · Like
    Shabana Malone True. He got scruffy and scraggly.
    September 23, 2010 at 11:32am · Like

    Tim Green:
    With such a premium value on beauty by society, why would anyone self hate that..I just can’t wrap my head around it
    September 26, 2010 at 11:14am · Like

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