Monthly Archives: December 2011

All My Crushes Are Dead (What does that say about me?)

The saddest thing about the below crushes being dead is not so much that they are dead, but how they died. Though autopsy reports are often inconclusive and cryptic in the press, they all died from the same disease I have.  I guess it shows what a broken picker I have.  I need al-anon.

1. Corey Haim: My first official crush after seeing him in License to Drive, this 80’s heartthrob never stood a chance, being a child actor and a teen idol with money to burn.  He died of an accidental overdose at age 38.  He used to be so cute but drugs had their way with his looks. He is survived by his other half, the other Corey.

December 23, 1971 – March 10, 2010

2. River Phoenix: Seeing him play a narcoleptic gay hustler in My Own Private Idaho, it was hard not to have a crush on this gorgeous tortured soul.  He died of a speedball overdose on Halloween.  He was only 23.  Funny thing about him was that I didn’t really develop the crush on him until after he died.  Does that make me a necropheliac?

August 23, 1970 – October 31, 1993

3. Brad Renfro:  I know, he was a little young for me but I look and act younger than my age.  In high school I wrote a parody of the Smashing Pumpkins Bullet With Butterfly Wings called Pervert with Flutterfly Wings.  It went like this: “The world is a pedophile…Sent to ra-e-a-e-ape!  Secret molesters…scoping out eighth grade… Even though…I’m…old…I want Brad…Ren…fro…”

He had that cute little lost bad boy thing going on.  I used to dream about meeting him when I got to LA, picturing his clean cut Huckleberry Finn looks.  I didn’t know how “bad” he was until I met him at an AA meeting and saw the track marks and the alcohol bloat.  He was dead a few months later, a heroin overdose at 25  years old.

July 25, 1982 – January 15, 2008

4. Jonathan Brandis: I used to watch the Neverending Story 2 over and over even though that huge flying dog and most everything else about it freaked me the fuck out.  Then I used to rent Ladybugs and Sidekicks like they were porn.  The role he played that was closest to reality was in a TV movie called Her Last Chance, in which he portrayed a drug addict who took a hallucinogen and then was pushed off a roof.  He hanged himself at 27 years old.

April 13, 1976 – November 12, 2003

5. Paul Walker: Another one bites the dust.  All the way back when he was on ‘Charles in Charge’ (he stole my attention briefly away from Scott Baio), I saw the beauty.  He didn’t die like the others, in some version of alcoholism/addiction/self-hatred.  But he was a crush nonetheless and he is gone.


September 12, 1973 – November 30, 2013

I’m sure you’re wondering why Heath Ledger and Kurt Cobain are absent from this list.  Technically I never had crushes on them, but they are two more examples of extreme beauty and talent snuffed out too soon by this deadly disease.  Anyone who wonders what the movie the Happening was about, this is it:  plant forms (which many drugs are derived from) that make you kill yourself.

I’m surprised Edward Furlong isn’t on this list.  Jonathan Taylor Thomas would be, if we were talking about careers.

The end.  RIP.