Category Archives: movies

When you’re left ‘Home Alone’ you become a “Party Monster’

“Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior, it certainly fucked you up, it made you have sex with a psychopath!” – Billy Loomis in ‘Scream’

Okay, I kinda think Kevin McCallister was a sociopath anyway.  Some of them are born that way.  But the abandonment by his entire family during Christmas pushed him over the edge.  Image

He took WAY too much pleasure in inflicting what should have been deadly pain on two burglars!  And he didn’t even seem scared of them.  That’s a sociopath.  What looks to the world like an adorable, precocious tow-head is really a bundle of pain (you heard me, Dakota Fanning!)  Why was this a fun family comedy?  Kevin McCallister was a childhood Jigsaw (of the ‘Saw’ franchise).  If his violent behavior wasn’t enough, wasn’t it weird how he explained his hygiene regimen to no one in the bathroom mirror just like Patrick Bateman in ‘American Psycho’?

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Then he went on to commit credit card fraud and more violence in the sequel, where he felt awfully at home in New York City.  Sociopath!  I’m sure he’s not the only sociopath who uttered the words, “I made my family disappear” with a satisfied smirk.

Then he committed infanticide over his mommy issues, killed a dog, caused a massive car-pileup and aimed to kill his sister and mother in ‘The Good Son’.

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Finally he graduated to killing his own drug dealer in ‘Party Monster’.  That’s just the lowest of the low.  Killing your drug dealer because you don’t want to pay up!

So parents, it’s 10 pm.  Do you know where your children are?

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This could happen to you.


Black 70’s Swan

I’m already fairly certain there was a “girl-on-girl action” clause in Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman’s movie contracts.  But was there also a two-movie contract for both actresses saying that they had to follow up ‘Black Swan’ with fuckbuddy romantic comedies?

Or is it just a coincidence that Natalie and Mila both did the same movie with different titles, respectively called ‘No Strings Attached’ and ‘Friends with Benefits’?  I initially refused to see either, already knowing how both would turn out–unnervingly unrealistically.  But I broke down and saw ‘FWB’ and then ‘NSA’, and was surprised that both were quite funny and well-written, if a bit implausible.  I was even more surprised that I liked ‘No Strings Attached’ better than ‘Friends With Benefits’, being the huge Timberlake fan that I am.  (By the way, why wasn’t HIS movie called ‘No Strings Attached’, to match ‘N Sync’s record-breaking sophomore album title?  That would have been hilarious.)

But wait, it gets weirder…

Two of the stars of the fuckbuddy movies were also in ‘That 70’s Show’ (which the ‘FWB’ writer poked fun at with the line, “It smells like the 70’s in here!”).  Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were boyfriend-girlfriend on the show and then played the casual lovers in opposite movies.

So, I’m imagining the criteria for casting these two films?  1. All the lead actors have to be ridiculously good-looking, to remind all the regular folk why this shit don’t happen to them (though at least Ashton had the decency to tone down the hotness he displayed in ‘Spread’ and look close to normal).  2. If you’re a girl, you have to have played a bird.  3. If you’re a guy, you have to have Punk’d someone. 4. It helps if you were on ‘That 70’s Show’

I know this is insignificant, I just see funny connections everywhere.  What can I say?  I’m easily amused.

I wait now with bated breath for the third rom com titled ‘Booty Call’, starring Barbara Hershey and Wilmer Valderrama.


I’m in the Witness Protection Program

I like metaphors.  So I’m going to share one here.  My therapist often says that my disease is like the mafia.  I didn’t understand his reference at first until he further explained the metaphor:  My ISM, like the mafia, is bigger and tougher than me and it offered me insulation and protection from other perceived threats.  My gorilla was all, “Oh, that jerk-off hurt your feelings?  Have a drink, you ain’t gotta worry about nothin’  We’ll take care a dis!”

I thought it was my friend at first, but then it started asking me for things, and eventually started just taking things.  And like mobster movies, my disease was entertaining to watch from the outside but scary to live in.  I owed it big time for protecting me, but there were times I coughed up payment when I didn’t want to .  I belonged to it, I was afraid of it, but it was too late.

My sister and I realized that the program I’m in, being anonymous and all, is not unlike (love double negatives!) the witness protection program.  You enter it, you change your identity and everything about your life in exchange for guaranteed defense against the big, bad mafia.  The most obvious similarity is that it’s a seee-cret!  Meetings are like safe houses, and I’ll duck into one any time I feel like I’m still being followed.

We are everywhere, like ‘Fight Club’.  We hide in plain sight.  This is not to be confused with the Witness Relocation Program.  That may just be a geographic.


“No matter where I go, I play the same ho!”

Who am I here? Must.read.hand.

Remember when Jason Lewis played a struggling actor on ‘Sex and the City’?  Or the time he played a struggling actor on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’?  What about his inspired turn as… a struggling actor on ‘House’?  What’s my point?  Jason Lewis has played a pretty, dumb-as-rocks aspiring actor on three different television shows.  Two of those three times he relied on slutty women in power positions to make him famous (Samantha on ‘Sex and the City’ and Valerie on ‘90210’).

But then (in the words of Snoop Dogg), what make that even more fucked up is that he is, in fact, an actor in real life!  Art imitates life once again.

This isn’t a case of type-casting or even a case of an actor’s lack of range.  I just want to call it “The Jason Lewis Phenomenon”.  It is when actors play pretty  much the exact same role in multiple shows or movies.

When you think of Macauley Culkin you probably think of his darling face in ‘Home Alone’.  I think of a sociopath.  He played sociopaths (or potential ones) in ‘Home Alone’, ‘the Good Son’ and ‘Party Monster’.

Little Kevin got way too much pleasure out of torturing those burglars in both movies!  Not to mention he also stole his parents credit card and ran away.  Kevin McCallister is a sociopath worse than Joe Pesci.  And that’s saying a lot.  To quote the movie ‘Scream’, “Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior…”.

Kevin went on to commit infanticide in ‘the Good Son’.  He was so pissed about being abandoned that he killed his baby brother and went on to terrorize his cousin and little sister.  Definitely escalating from rigging his house with Christmas tree ornaments.

Finally, the cute little blond boy who made his family disappear became so disconnected from society that he became drug-addled club kid Michael Alig in ‘Party Monster’.  He went around telling previously straight men, “You can be my boyfriend” and ended up killing his own drug dealer. His sociopathy is now in full bloom.

Hilary Swank is also a Jason Lewis Phenomenon.  I remember her from ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ (the movie).  Her best line was “Get out of my facial!”  Then she kept playing boys.  How Shakesperian!  She played a boy in ‘Boys Don’t Cry’.  Well, technically a transgender girl.  She played pretty much a boy in ‘The Next Karate Kid’, and she played a boy in ‘Million Dollar Baby’.  I now have trouble looking at her as a girl and am disturbed that she is kinda hotter as a boy.

Jude Law twice played a handsome and charming upper-class character whose identity was stolen by another hot guy. Once in ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ as Dickie Greenleaf, who Matt Damon wanted to be.  And once in ‘Gattaca’, where Ethan Hawke used his DNA to pretend to be Jude.  He also pretty much played a high school version of Dickie, a popular and charismatic Golden God, in ‘I Love You, I Love You Not’ with Claire Danes.

"My eyes are pretty!"

Kate Winslet, made famous by a very demure and feminine role in ‘Titanic’, has since played three very unfeminine protagonists.  In ‘Revolutionary Road’, which I like to call, “Titanic II: If Jack Lived”, she played a

"Don't let go, Jack! I want to emasculate you!"

feminist ahead of her time who goes so far in her rejection of the traditional female role that she kills her unborn baby and, accidentally, herself.  In ‘the Reader’ she plays a masculine, heartless seductress who deflowers and dumps a teenage boy and works in a Nazi death camp.  Not very sweet or nurturing.  And in the underrated movie, ‘Little Children’, she plays an unhappy wife and mother who disdains both roles and has an affair with Jennifer Connelly’s husband.

Which brings me to Jennifer Connelly, who always seems to play the hot, oblivious wife that manages to get cheated on.  She played the exact same role in ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’, where her husband has an affair with Scarlett Johanssen…

who has an affinity for playing the tempting hussy/tart/seductress/home-wrecking tramp, which she also did in ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’ (in which she also tries to “find herself” at the end), and ‘Match Point’.  That one didn’t end well for her.

‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is, in fact, full of Jason Lewis Phenomena:

Jennifer Aniston once again plays…Jennifer Aniston, the quirky and hot every-woman who can’t seem to get  that damn ring and is nearing spinsterhood!  Goddammit!

Ginnifer Goodwin plays the not-too-threatening and therefore likable and relatable best girl friend, as she does so well in ‘Win a Date With Tad Hamilton’ and recently in ‘Something Borrowed’.

I cannot comment on the redundant roles “played” by Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez or Katherine Heigl because I refuse to sit through all those painful rom-coms.


7 Pretty Boys Who Try To Be Ugly

Okay, so I have a theory about pretty boys:  They don’t want to be pretty.  This is, in part, because they get shit from their ugly, hater-rific friends for getting all the action, so they try to ugly up to gain street cred.  Uglies will do whatever they can to bring down a pretty.  They’re just jealous that pretty boys just have to stand there to get ass.

Sometimes pretty boys just lop off their goldi-locks and get tatted up, a la Justin Timberlake or David Beckham, and then they are accepted by many more of their peers.  JT has shaved his head then grew his hair back, but never again rocked the frosted geri curl. That and the fact that he ditched the boy band and banged A-list chicks got him endless street cred.

But sometimes, pretty boys go to great lengths to reject their God-given beauty.  I don’t know if it’s because they want to appear more masculine or are sick of the treatment that goes along with being a pin-up, but it really fucking annoys me. You’re gorgeous! Own it!  Use it!  Take a cue from JT.  He’s sexy, he knows it, and he claps his hands.
Note: I am not talking about gaining or losing weight for a role and then slimming down to original hotness, like Christian Bale.  That’s called devotion to your craft. 
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I’m talking about never taking pretty boy roles or trying to be ugly or weird to seem badass.  

1. Johnny Depp: Okay, ya’ll know this one is true.  He got a liiiitle objectified on 21 Jump Street and ever since then he’s been trying to shed his pretty boy image.  He has openly expressed his discomfort with being viewed as a piece of meat, and we get it.  Aside from roles like the one in  ‘Cry-Baby’ (in which he spoofed the heart throb image), and ‘Don Juan DeMarco’, most of his roles have been, well, weird.  He will put cutting utencils on his hands, wear a fiery orange wig, or eyeliner and a scraggly beard if it means not having to be a hot leading man.  He and Tim Burton should just get married.  Or form an unholy polyamorous trinity with Helena Bonham Carter.  I sitll love him, but damn! Just show us your chiseled abs and stunning features once in a while! Show off those amazing genes God gave you.

 I’m sick of being this hot!

2. Jared Leto: Any girl around my age knows that Jordan Catalano, not Jared Leto, was one of the hottest things in the world.  That hair, that jacket, that black string around his neck, the way he leaned…(sigh).  Jared Leto was never as hot as when he was Jordan Catalano.  He played dim-witted indifference to perfection!  And ever since then he went all rocker on us, wearing eyeliner and black nail polish.  Now he has that dirty-hot emo hipster sexiness, but it’s not the same.  I’m not counting the weight gain for ‘Chapter 27’ (see above).  But seeing him getting his face beat in in ‘Fight Club’ was a little traumatizing for me.  Bring back Jordan Catalano!  I miss him!  Even though he couldn’t read.
3. Brad Pitt: Yes, I know he’s the sexiest man alive and it’s pretty difficult for him to be otherwise, but he sure has tried.  Remember when he had that really long hair and Jesus beard?  He kinda looked like a really hot homeless man.  Remember ’12 Monkeys’ when he had that wonky eye?  No one wants to see that!  And lately he’s sporting black hair and a gray beard!  Come on, Brad, I know it gets tiring being that hot, but your baby mama’s last name is french for “pretty”.  It’s your destiny.  You’re a Golden God.
 Guess you don’t have to work at it anymore once you bag Angelina
4. Vince Vaughn: He was really only hot in one movie, as far as I’m concerned, maybe two if you count ‘Rudy’.  But he was pretty fucking hot in ‘Swingers’.  Let’s face it.  He was a pretty boy.  And I dunno if he wanted to be “funny guy” instead of “pretty boy” so he could pal around with Luke Wilson, or if he just couldn’t control the alcohol bloat…all I know is he ain’t pretty no mo!
5.  Brendan Fraser: Remember when he was hot?  In ‘School Ties’ playing a hot Jew and partook in naked fighting with Matt Damon in the shower (see my girl porn post); In ‘Encino Man’ grunting and being a cro-mag hottie; in ‘George of the Jungle’ being all kinds of ripped and running around with only a loin cloth on.  Those were the days.  I think he took the monkey business too far.  Literally!  It seems like every movie after that was about monkeys or animals or some such nonsense.  He says he does those movies for his kids, but did he have to get fat and unattractive?  Less talking, more benching, funny man.
If you could look like this,
why wouldn’t you?
7. James Franco: First it seemed like he was going the Paul Rudd route of doing gross-out humor roles instead of leading man roles, even though he’s clearly hot (last time Paul Rudd played a straight leading man was the first movie I ever saw him in–‘Clueless’). But now it seems like in order to be accepted by the Seth Rogen’s of the world and have funny-cred, Franco has gone the extra mile to ugly himself up. Maybe he did it so he would be less likely to entice high school girls, but either way the transformation is complete. Now Seth Rogen might be the prettier of the two. At least he’s still got hair.
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In sum, I have dated actors I had crushes on in earlier years who have really let their looks go, and if it weren’t for the fact that my vision is distorted (when I look at them I see how they looked on televsion), they probably wouldn’t get any.
One particular actor I dated used to look like a porcelain doll until he started overeating, smoking weed everyday and not doing shit else.  Now he’s kinda fat, when he used to play the popular boy on TV.  And he’s not even 30!  So sad.
Pretty boys, please own it.  And just there and look good.  Stop denying the pretty  It’s a gift.
"Artifact" Premiere - 2012 Toronto International Film Festival
Seriously dude.  No-shave November is NO excuse.  I can smell your beard from here.

Top Ten Reasons Why Freddy Krueger = Alcoholism

“Look at us, we’re dropping off like flies here!” – Teen in ‘Nightmare’ 4

1. Freddy never dies no matter how hard you fight him (burning, decapitation, burying, holy water, none of that shit worked).  He is really, really hard to kill, much like the “800 pound gorilla”.
2. He targets teens of parents who tried to destroy him (the genetic component)…hmmm, a family legacy.
3. He uses your worst fears against you (not unlike the alcoholic mind)
4. He trys to get his teenage victims to recruit their friends for him (peer pressure?).  So while the curse is often handed down from the parents, it can also be passed from friend to friend.
5. He steals your soul and feeds off it, which makes him more powerful. “The souls of my children!”
6. The mother of the O.G. Victim, Nancy, was an obvious lush.  Hmmm…
7. In part 2 he possesses a teen whose girlfriend must appeal to the real him inside to exorsize him out.  Who among us doesn’t know what it’s like to try and reach the person inside the sociopathic, monstrous drunk?  “! I know you’re in there somewhere!”
8. He kills teens and makes it look like suicide, much like accidental overdoses and alcohol poisoning.
9. He makes his victims look crazy so that they are institutionalized, much like they used to do with alcoholics when they didn’t know what else to do with us.
10. Didn’t you always wonder why those kids didn’t just get some cocaine to stay up?  What is this Diet Coke bullshit?

Wes Craven, are you a friend of Bill?


Girl Porn Diaries: Move over Andrew Niccol and David Fincher…all hail Steven Soderbergh!

You’re probably wondering what Girl Porn is.  Well, it’s porn for girls.  Movies that are titillating to the fairer sex.  If you’ve ever watched ‘Troy’ on mute, you know what I mean.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, Girl Porn is any mainstream movie (not actual porn) with two or more hot guys (‘Troy’ has Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Eric Bana in it), preferably racing cars, wrestling each other shirtless, shooting guns, fighting, and/or generally being sexy and badass.
[Note: If Brad Pitt is in it, you probably don’t need another hot guy.]


Girl Porn usually also includes excessive gratuitous shirtlessness and occasional homoeroticism. 

Further examples of Girl Porn include (in no particular order):
1.  ‘Interview With The Vampire’ – A homoerotic period piece featuring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Christian Slater. 
2. ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ – Jude and Matt being homoerotic.  Jude is a golden God in that piece of porn.  He’s so hot he outshines Matt Damon, which is difficult to do.
3. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ – Paul Walker being tan and driving fast, and because Tyrese is hot, Vin Diesel, not. 
4. ‘the 24th Day’ – James Marsden and Scott Speedman are sexually involved…enough said.  But I should add that for most of the movie Scott has James tied to a chair. 
5. ‘School Ties’ – Matt Damon & Ben Affleck pre-Oscar, along with Randall Batinkoff and then-hot Brendan Fraser; shower fight scene involving Matt Damon.
6. ‘Good Will Hunting’, for that matter.  Matt Damon f*cking and fighting and being a genius.
7. ‘the Town’, too, on that note. Ben’s abs are the bidness.
8. ‘American Psycho’ – Ummm…yeah. Christian Bale is shredded and shredding others.

“I think my mask of sanity is about to slip…and so’s my towel”

9. ‘Sherlock Holmes’ – Jude and RDJ, more homoeroticism and partial nudity.
10. ‘the Depahhted’ – Matt, Leo, Boston accents and bloodshed.
11. ‘Black Snake Moan’ – It opens with JT having sex (check).  He later gets into a fight (check) and has a gun (check).
12. ‘American History X’ – More like American History SEX!  Sweet preparation for this role, Ed Norton.
13. ‘Straw Dogs’ – James Marsden (he’s in a lot of girl porn) and Aleksander Skarsgaard (drooool) posturing and cock-measuring in the  hot deep south.  Violence ensues.
14. ‘Savages’: Two smokin’ hot drug dealers, one a killer, one a Buddhist, both gorgeous.  Yes.  Abercrombie catalog with guns and drugs.  ‘Laguna Beach’ meets ‘Traffic’.  Yes. Yes. Yes.  Made me feel like my life was inadequate because I don’t have two drug dealer boyfriends who would kill a cartel to rescue me. 


15. All of the ‘Bourne’ movies.  Clearly I’m a Matt Damon fan.

“I can’t remember anything…except for how to fight and have sex!”

 

These are movies you watch and then need to “be alone”.    They make your boyfriend look utterly sub-par.

But I digress.  David Fincher is especially adept at directing Girl Porn.  This came to my attention when I was told he was the director of the new

Yes, I’m a rich, hot geek.

Justin Timberlake movie (see Brad Pitt note above), ‘The Social Network’, which also has hot twins (“I’m 6’5 220 and there’s two of me!”)   Fincher also brought us ‘Se7en’ (Brad Pitt in all his pre-Aniston glory ranting “What’s in the BOOOX?”), ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, which shows Brad Pitt aging backwards and getting younger and hotter as the movie goes on, and of course the filthiest of porn, ‘Fight Club’ (Brad Pitt.  Ed Norton. Jared Leto.  Shirtless. Fighting.)  Brad Pitt’s abs alone in ‘Fight Club’ are enough to rate a GP classification.  

The next contender for the Greatest GP Director of all time is now Andrew Niccol.  After seeing his latest film, ‘In Time’, I’m convinced he’s gay or just really, really knows what girls like.  He put Justin Timberlake in a movie with guns, sex, a hot car and violence, along with Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, and Toby Hemingway (who randomly drunk-kissed me once).  

Let me do the math for you: 

+       +    +   = Girl Porn.

Add to that the realization that he also did ‘Lord of War’ (gun porn with Ethan Hawke and Jared Leto), and ‘Gattaca’ (a stylish, futuristic thriller starring Ethan Hawke and Jude Law in which intelligence and superior genes–not time or money– is currency), and I’m left with no choice but to crown Andrew Niccol as the new king of Girl Porn.

But, wait!  Hold up.  Steven Soderbergh, what have you done to us?  First there was ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, which automatically makes the grade due to Brad Pitt and Matt Damon being in the same film…but now you bring us ‘Magic Mike’, which boasts the sublime abs of the delicious Alex Pettyfer, the delectable Matt Bomer (who are both coincidentally pictured above), Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and Joe Mangianello.  Granted, I could do without the man-thongs, but the glistening. gyrating perfection in this movie ought to be illegal.  Any movie that puts Matt Bomer and Alex Pettyfer together in a love scene is more than okay by me!

I guess what I’m trying to say is…Thank you, Steven, Andrew & David.  Keep em coming!

Ladies, please feel free to contribute your favorite Girl Porn to the list.

Thank you….Really, thank you.