Tag Archives: brad pitt

7 Pretty Boys Who Try To Be Ugly

Okay, so I have a theory about pretty boys:  They don’t want to be pretty.  This is, in part, because they get shit from their ugly, hater-rific friends for getting all the action, so they try to ugly up to gain street cred.  Uglies will do whatever they can to bring down a pretty.  They’re just jealous that pretty boys just have to stand there to get ass.

Sometimes pretty boys just lop off their goldi-locks and get tatted up, a la Justin Timberlake or David Beckham, and then they are accepted by many more of their peers.  JT has shaved his head then grew his hair back, but never again rocked the frosted geri curl. That and the fact that he ditched the boy band and banged A-list chicks got him endless street cred.

But sometimes, pretty boys go to great lengths to reject their God-given beauty.  I don’t know if it’s because they want to appear more masculine or are sick of the treatment that goes along with being a pin-up, but it really fucking annoys me. You’re gorgeous! Own it!  Use it!  Take a cue from JT.  He’s sexy, he knows it, and he claps his hands.
Note: I am not talking about gaining or losing weight for a role and then slimming down to original hotness, like Christian Bale.  That’s called devotion to your craft. 
americanpsycho-1160877917195942600Unknown
I’m talking about never taking pretty boy roles or trying to be ugly or weird to seem badass.  

1. Johnny Depp: Okay, ya’ll know this one is true.  He got a liiiitle objectified on 21 Jump Street and ever since then he’s been trying to shed his pretty boy image.  He has openly expressed his discomfort with being viewed as a piece of meat, and we get it.  Aside from roles like the one in  ‘Cry-Baby’ (in which he spoofed the heart throb image), and ‘Don Juan DeMarco’, most of his roles have been, well, weird.  He will put cutting utencils on his hands, wear a fiery orange wig, or eyeliner and a scraggly beard if it means not having to be a hot leading man.  He and Tim Burton should just get married.  Or form an unholy polyamorous trinity with Helena Bonham Carter.  I sitll love him, but damn! Just show us your chiseled abs and stunning features once in a while! Show off those amazing genes God gave you.

 I’m sick of being this hot!

2. Jared Leto: Any girl around my age knows that Jordan Catalano, not Jared Leto, was one of the hottest things in the world.  That hair, that jacket, that black string around his neck, the way he leaned…(sigh).  Jared Leto was never as hot as when he was Jordan Catalano.  He played dim-witted indifference to perfection!  And ever since then he went all rocker on us, wearing eyeliner and black nail polish.  Now he has that dirty-hot emo hipster sexiness, but it’s not the same.  I’m not counting the weight gain for ‘Chapter 27’ (see above).  But seeing him getting his face beat in in ‘Fight Club’ was a little traumatizing for me.  Bring back Jordan Catalano!  I miss him!  Even though he couldn’t read.
3. Brad Pitt: Yes, I know he’s the sexiest man alive and it’s pretty difficult for him to be otherwise, but he sure has tried.  Remember when he had that really long hair and Jesus beard?  He kinda looked like a really hot homeless man.  Remember ’12 Monkeys’ when he had that wonky eye?  No one wants to see that!  And lately he’s sporting black hair and a gray beard!  Come on, Brad, I know it gets tiring being that hot, but your baby mama’s last name is french for “pretty”.  It’s your destiny.  You’re a Golden God.
 Guess you don’t have to work at it anymore once you bag Angelina
4. Vince Vaughn: He was really only hot in one movie, as far as I’m concerned, maybe two if you count ‘Rudy’.  But he was pretty fucking hot in ‘Swingers’.  Let’s face it.  He was a pretty boy.  And I dunno if he wanted to be “funny guy” instead of “pretty boy” so he could pal around with Luke Wilson, or if he just couldn’t control the alcohol bloat…all I know is he ain’t pretty no mo!
5.  Brendan Fraser: Remember when he was hot?  In ‘School Ties’ playing a hot Jew and partook in naked fighting with Matt Damon in the shower (see my girl porn post); In ‘Encino Man’ grunting and being a cro-mag hottie; in ‘George of the Jungle’ being all kinds of ripped and running around with only a loin cloth on.  Those were the days.  I think he took the monkey business too far.  Literally!  It seems like every movie after that was about monkeys or animals or some such nonsense.  He says he does those movies for his kids, but did he have to get fat and unattractive?  Less talking, more benching, funny man.
If you could look like this,
why wouldn’t you?
7. James Franco: First it seemed like he was going the Paul Rudd route of doing gross-out humor roles instead of leading man roles, even though he’s clearly hot (last time Paul Rudd played a straight leading man was the first movie I ever saw him in–‘Clueless’). But now it seems like in order to be accepted by the Seth Rogen’s of the world and have funny-cred, Franco has gone the extra mile to ugly himself up. Maybe he did it so he would be less likely to entice high school girls, but either way the transformation is complete. Now Seth Rogen might be the prettier of the two. At least he’s still got hair.
james_franco_1220739125 IMG_0574
In sum, I have dated actors I had crushes on in earlier years who have really let their looks go, and if it weren’t for the fact that my vision is distorted (when I look at them I see how they looked on televsion), they probably wouldn’t get any.
One particular actor I dated used to look like a porcelain doll until he started overeating, smoking weed everyday and not doing shit else.  Now he’s kinda fat, when he used to play the popular boy on TV.  And he’s not even 30!  So sad.
Pretty boys, please own it.  And just there and look good.  Stop denying the pretty  It’s a gift.
"Artifact" Premiere - 2012 Toronto International Film Festival
Seriously dude.  No-shave November is NO excuse.  I can smell your beard from here.
Advertisements

Isn’t it ironic?

There are a few instances in which life imitates art and irony shows itself in the motion picture arts and pop culture.  These are moments when I feel like God is laughing and pointing.  Here are some examples that are much cooler than the ones in the Alanis Morissette song:

1. The Superman Who Couldn’t Walk: The man of steel, the man who could fly, the gorgeous man with x-ray vision who could leap tall buildings in a single bound…lost the ability to walk.  Such a tragic irony, like God making a joke that’s kinda not that funny, taking away Superman’s ability to walk or even take care of himself, let alone the rest of us.  OK I get it ya’ll.  He was just an actor.  But I think God was trying to say something.  What are you trying to say, God?  Save ourselves?

2. “Mr. Brady died of AIDS”: That was Ethan Hawke’s reply to Winona Ryder when she asked why everything couldn’t “just go back to normal at the end of the half hour, like in the Brady Bunch”.  And his answer sums up the sad irony of Reality, which quite frankly does Bite.  The perfect TV father / stepfather in real life was not a straight, healthy, manly man with all the answers at the end of the day.  Again, what’s the message here?  In real life, my dad was less like Mr. Brady and more like the dad in ‘The Stepfather’.

3.  Prophecy of the marriage of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: Cameron Crowe foresaw the union of Suri Cruise’s parents. In the beginning of ‘Vanilla Sky’ when Tom Cruise is dreaming that Times Square was empty, one of the pictures that flashed on the billboard was a magazine cover with Katie Holmes on it.  Was he dreaming of her even then?  Was that just a coincidence or was the relationship staged that far in advance?  Was the director psychic?  Was God trying to foreshadow the future?  Or did watching the movie over and over cause Katie’s image to seep into Tom’s subconscious like a subliminal message?  Because I wasn’t too impressed by her performance in ‘Batman Begins’, as Tom supposedly was.  If he fell head over heels for her watching ‘Dawson’s Creek’ or even ‘Abandon’, I’d kinda get it, but ‘Batman Begins’? Really?  But I digress…

4. Christian Bale auditions for his Terminator Role back in ‘American Psycho’: In arguably his best role EVER, Christian Bale plays a serial killer in ‘American Psycho’ and then, 9 years later, plays the “last best hope of humankind” in ‘Terminator: Salvation’.  The funny thing is that even though ‘American Psycho’ was supposed to be set in the 80’s, Patrick Bateman quoted ‘Terminator 2’ (a 1991 film) when he said, “Hasta la vista, baby!” on Paul Allen’s answering machine.  Why would he be saying a catch phrase that wasn’t even out yet?  Was the actor trying to snag the role of adult John Connor even then?  Or was it just another 80’s era inconsistency in ‘American Psycho’?  I mean, I suppose a rich guy like Patrick Bateman could have CD’s in the 80’s, but did anyone else?

hqdefault

5. Jay Z eats his words: I used to love Jay Z back when he was a Pimp.  I believed him when he rapped, “Me give my heart to a woman?  Not for nothin’, never happen, I’ll be forever mackin'”.  It was around that time I met him at a club and he and his crew fed us Tequila and such.  He touched my stomach on the way out and I think he gave me his pimp juice through osmosis.  Because not too long after, he DID, in fact, give his heart to a woman (and I became a PIMP).  And not just any woman…Beyonce, the same woman he mocked in the song ‘One Minute Man’ with the line, “Get your independent ass outta here, question!”  I bet he apologized for that line on his wedding day, 7 years later.  I have never seen him in the same way.  Sniff.  Jigga, you lied to me.  You lied to us all.

6. Walt Disney is the Devil: We have all heard the rumors.  The number of letters in his full name = 666; he had his head frozen; but to me, other things make it obvious that Walt Disney is doing the devil’s work.  Oh, irony of ironies that the name we associate the most with children’s entertainment is actually pure evil.  (For more on sinful idolatry & Disney, see the movie “Dogma”).  The example that stands out the most is the new Mickey Mouse Club television show.  He unknowingly (?) launched the careers of a bunch of kids who turned out to be gyrating, sexual fantasy-inspiring, minions of the devil.  Cases in point: Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling, and Keri Russell (not evil but too hot to be good).  So basically, watching MMC is like watching retroactive kiddie porn.  All of the above mentioned were in the same cast and somehow managed to become superstar pop icons who make a lot of money by being sexy and innocent at the same time.  More recently and after his demise, he spawned the likes of Miley Cyrus (twerking pole dancer),  Vanessa Hudgens, (naked picture taker) and Selena Gomez (Bieber-banging Spring Breaker).

The other reason Walt is the devil is because he trains girls early on to become damsels in distress, helpless victims just waiting for a Prince Charming on a white horse to come rescue us.  As a child, I loved his imaginings of Cinderella, Snow White, the Little Mermaid.  But they are VERY VERY BAD for young girls.  It basically teaches us to have no value unless we get the guy.  I could go on and on about the  hidden messages in these films.  And I mean, Sleeping Beauty, come on. A girl is asleep until a guy comes and kisses her?  I relate.  Pure evil.  As an adult, the only message from a childhood Disney movie that I can get behind is in ‘Dumbo’, because it’s basically the law of attraction.  Believe it and it is possible.  Good message!

7. Joaquin Phoenix “Cashed” In Early: Anyone who has seen 2005’s ‘Walk the Line’ would agree that Joaquin Phoenix, tortured soul that he is, was meant to play Johnny Cash.  But apparently Oliver Stone knew that back in 1997, when he cast Joaquin in his movie ‘U Turn’.  In one of the only scenes Joaquin is in, he walks in to a diner and the jukebox starts blasting ‘Ring of Fire’.  Coincidence or foreshadowing?  I don’t believe in the former.

219

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. ‘Saved by the Bell’s’ 2 Slutty Malones: Isn’t it strange that two of the stars from the squeaky-clean sitcom ‘Saved by the Bell’ ended up playing turbo-sluts with the last name “Malone”?  Shortly after singing, “I’m so excited!” on SBTB, Elizabeth Berkley played coke-head stripper Nomi Malone in one of the best-worst movies ever,’ Showgirls’.  Tiffini Thiessen went from playing Kelly Kapowski, (the worst insult she could muster was, “You….you…un-nice girl!”) to playing the borderline-personality seductress Valerie Malone on 90210.  I guess Bayside high inspires quite the rebellion.  Now before you ask, no, I am not their little sister.

“I’m a dancer!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. ‘The Fast and the Furious’ Star Dies in a Car Crash: It may be “too soon” but it certainly is one of the most ironic instances of life imitating art.  The star of the successful street racing franchise spent his final moments on this earth in a sports car.  A beautiful and kind-hearted angel taken too soon.  Ironically, he wasn’t the one driving, let alone racing or speeding.  I blame the Porsche.  RIP.

646


Girl Porn Diaries: Move over Andrew Niccol and David Fincher…all hail Steven Soderbergh!

You’re probably wondering what Girl Porn is.  Well, it’s porn for girls.  Movies that are titillating to the fairer sex.  If you’ve ever watched ‘Troy’ on mute, you know what I mean.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, Girl Porn is any mainstream movie (not actual porn) with two or more hot guys (‘Troy’ has Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Eric Bana in it), preferably racing cars, wrestling each other shirtless, shooting guns, fighting, and/or generally being sexy and badass.
[Note: If Brad Pitt is in it, you probably don’t need another hot guy.]


Girl Porn usually also includes excessive gratuitous shirtlessness and occasional homoeroticism. 

Further examples of Girl Porn include (in no particular order):
1.  ‘Interview With The Vampire’ – A homoerotic period piece featuring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Christian Slater. 
2. ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ – Jude and Matt being homoerotic.  Jude is a golden God in that piece of porn.  He’s so hot he outshines Matt Damon, which is difficult to do.
3. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ – Paul Walker being tan and driving fast, and because Tyrese is hot, Vin Diesel, not. 
4. ‘the 24th Day’ – James Marsden and Scott Speedman are sexually involved…enough said.  But I should add that for most of the movie Scott has James tied to a chair. 
5. ‘School Ties’ – Matt Damon & Ben Affleck pre-Oscar, along with Randall Batinkoff and then-hot Brendan Fraser; shower fight scene involving Matt Damon.
6. ‘Good Will Hunting’, for that matter.  Matt Damon f*cking and fighting and being a genius.
7. ‘the Town’, too, on that note. Ben’s abs are the bidness.
8. ‘American Psycho’ – Ummm…yeah. Christian Bale is shredded and shredding others.

“I think my mask of sanity is about to slip…and so’s my towel”

9. ‘Sherlock Holmes’ – Jude and RDJ, more homoeroticism and partial nudity.
10. ‘the Depahhted’ – Matt, Leo, Boston accents and bloodshed.
11. ‘Black Snake Moan’ – It opens with JT having sex (check).  He later gets into a fight (check) and has a gun (check).
12. ‘American History X’ – More like American History SEX!  Sweet preparation for this role, Ed Norton.
13. ‘Straw Dogs’ – James Marsden (he’s in a lot of girl porn) and Aleksander Skarsgaard (drooool) posturing and cock-measuring in the  hot deep south.  Violence ensues.
14. ‘Savages’: Two smokin’ hot drug dealers, one a killer, one a Buddhist, both gorgeous.  Yes.  Abercrombie catalog with guns and drugs.  ‘Laguna Beach’ meets ‘Traffic’.  Yes. Yes. Yes.  Made me feel like my life was inadequate because I don’t have two drug dealer boyfriends who would kill a cartel to rescue me. 


15. All of the ‘Bourne’ movies.  Clearly I’m a Matt Damon fan.

“I can’t remember anything…except for how to fight and have sex!”

 

These are movies you watch and then need to “be alone”.    They make your boyfriend look utterly sub-par.

But I digress.  David Fincher is especially adept at directing Girl Porn.  This came to my attention when I was told he was the director of the new

Yes, I’m a rich, hot geek.

Justin Timberlake movie (see Brad Pitt note above), ‘The Social Network’, which also has hot twins (“I’m 6’5 220 and there’s two of me!”)   Fincher also brought us ‘Se7en’ (Brad Pitt in all his pre-Aniston glory ranting “What’s in the BOOOX?”), ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, which shows Brad Pitt aging backwards and getting younger and hotter as the movie goes on, and of course the filthiest of porn, ‘Fight Club’ (Brad Pitt.  Ed Norton. Jared Leto.  Shirtless. Fighting.)  Brad Pitt’s abs alone in ‘Fight Club’ are enough to rate a GP classification.  

The next contender for the Greatest GP Director of all time is now Andrew Niccol.  After seeing his latest film, ‘In Time’, I’m convinced he’s gay or just really, really knows what girls like.  He put Justin Timberlake in a movie with guns, sex, a hot car and violence, along with Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, and Toby Hemingway (who randomly drunk-kissed me once).  

Let me do the math for you: 

+       +    +   = Girl Porn.

Add to that the realization that he also did ‘Lord of War’ (gun porn with Ethan Hawke and Jared Leto), and ‘Gattaca’ (a stylish, futuristic thriller starring Ethan Hawke and Jude Law in which intelligence and superior genes–not time or money– is currency), and I’m left with no choice but to crown Andrew Niccol as the new king of Girl Porn.

But, wait!  Hold up.  Steven Soderbergh, what have you done to us?  First there was ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, which automatically makes the grade due to Brad Pitt and Matt Damon being in the same film…but now you bring us ‘Magic Mike’, which boasts the sublime abs of the delicious Alex Pettyfer, the delectable Matt Bomer (who are both coincidentally pictured above), Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and Joe Mangianello.  Granted, I could do without the man-thongs, but the glistening. gyrating perfection in this movie ought to be illegal.  Any movie that puts Matt Bomer and Alex Pettyfer together in a love scene is more than okay by me!

I guess what I’m trying to say is…Thank you, Steven, Andrew & David.  Keep em coming!

Ladies, please feel free to contribute your favorite Girl Porn to the list.

Thank you….Really, thank you.