Tag Archives: jude law

“No matter where I go, I play the same ho!”

Who am I here? Must.read.hand.

Remember when Jason Lewis played a struggling actor on ‘Sex and the City’?  Or the time he played a struggling actor on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’?  What about his inspired turn as… a struggling actor on ‘House’?  What’s my point?  Jason Lewis has played a pretty, dumb-as-rocks aspiring actor on three different television shows.  Two of those three times he relied on slutty women in power positions to make him famous (Samantha on ‘Sex and the City’ and Valerie on ‘90210’).

But then (in the words of Snoop Dogg), what make that even more fucked up is that he is, in fact, an actor in real life!  Art imitates life once again.

This isn’t a case of type-casting or even a case of an actor’s lack of range.  I just want to call it “The Jason Lewis Phenomenon”.  It is when actors play pretty  much the exact same role in multiple shows or movies.

When you think of Macauley Culkin you probably think of his darling face in ‘Home Alone’.  I think of a sociopath.  He played sociopaths (or potential ones) in ‘Home Alone’, ‘the Good Son’ and ‘Party Monster’.

Little Kevin got way too much pleasure out of torturing those burglars in both movies!  Not to mention he also stole his parents credit card and ran away.  Kevin McCallister is a sociopath worse than Joe Pesci.  And that’s saying a lot.  To quote the movie ‘Scream’, “Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior…”.

Kevin went on to commit infanticide in ‘the Good Son’.  He was so pissed about being abandoned that he killed his baby brother and went on to terrorize his cousin and little sister.  Definitely escalating from rigging his house with Christmas tree ornaments.

Finally, the cute little blond boy who made his family disappear became so disconnected from society that he became drug-addled club kid Michael Alig in ‘Party Monster’.  He went around telling previously straight men, “You can be my boyfriend” and ended up killing his own drug dealer. His sociopathy is now in full bloom.

Hilary Swank is also a Jason Lewis Phenomenon.  I remember her first from ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ (the movie).  Her best line was “Get out of my facial!” Then she kept playing boys.  How Shakesperian!  She played a boy in ‘Boys Don’t Cry’.  Well, technically a transgender girl.  She played pretty much a boy in ‘The Next Karate Kid’, and she basically played a boy in ‘Million Dollar Baby’.  I now have trouble looking at her as a girl and am disturbed that she is kinda hotter as a boy.

Jude Law twice played a handsome and charming upper-class character whose identity was stolen by another hot guy. Once in ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ as Dickie Greenleaf, who Matt Damon wanted to be.  And once in ‘Gattaca’, where Ethan Hawke used his DNA to pretend to be Jude.  He also pretty much played a high school version of Dickie, a popular and charismatic Golden God, in ‘I Love You, I Love You Not’ with Claire Danes.

Kate Winslet, made famous by a very demure and feminine role in ‘Titanic’, has since played three very unfeminine protagonists.  In ‘Revolutionary Road’, which I like to call, “Titanic II: If Jack Lived”, she played a

feminist ahead of her time who goes so far in her rejection of the traditional female role that she kills her unborn baby and, accidentally, herself.  In ‘the Reader’ she plays a masculine, heartless seductress who deflowers and dumps a teenage boy and works in a Nazi death camp.  Not very sweet or nurturing.  And in the underrated movie, ‘Little Children’, she plays an unhappy wife and mother who disdains both roles and has an affair with Jennifer Connelly’s husband.

Which brings me to Jennifer Connelly, who always seems to play the hot, oblivious wife who manages to get cheated on.  She played the exact same role in ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’, where her husband has an affair with Scarlett Johanssen…

who has an affinity for playing the tempting hussy/tart/seductress/home-wrecking tramp, which she also did in ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’ (in which she also tries to “find herself” at the end), and ‘Match Point’.  That one didn’t end well for her.

‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is, in fact, full of Jason Lewis Phenomena:

Jennifer Aniston once again plays…Jennifer Aniston, the quirky and hot every-woman who can’t seem to get that damn ring and is nearing spinsterhood!  Goddammit!

Ginnifer Goodwin plays the not-too-threatening and therefore likable and relatable best girl friend, as she does so well in ‘Win a Date With Tad Hamilton’ and recently in ‘Something Borrowed’.

I cannot comment on the redundant roles “played” by Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez or Katherine Heigl because I refuse to sit through all those painful rom-coms.

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Girl Porn Diaries: Move over Andrew Niccol and David Fincher…all hail Steven Soderbergh!

You’re probably wondering what Girl Porn is.  Well, it’s porn for girls.  Movies that are titillating to the fairer sex.  If you’ve ever watched ‘Troy’ on mute, you know what I mean.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, Girl Porn is any mainstream movie (not actual porn) with two or more hot guys (‘Troy’ has Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Eric Bana in it), preferably racing cars, wrestling each other shirtless, shooting guns, fighting, and/or generally being sexy and badass.
[Note: If Brad Pitt is in it, you probably don’t need another hot guy.]


Girl Porn usually also includes excessive gratuitous shirtlessness and occasional homoeroticism. 

Further examples of Girl Porn include (in no particular order):
1.  ‘Interview With The Vampire’ – A homoerotic period piece featuring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Christian Slater. 
2. ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ – Jude and Matt being homoerotic.  Jude is a golden God in that piece of porn.  He’s so hot he outshines Matt Damon, which is difficult to do.
3. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ – Paul Walker being tan and driving fast, and because Tyrese is hot, Vin Diesel, not. 
4. ‘the 24th Day’ – James Marsden and Scott Speedman are sexually involved…enough said.  But I should add that for most of the movie Scott has James tied to a chair. 
5. ‘School Ties’ – Matt Damon & Ben Affleck pre-Oscar, along with Randall Batinkoff and then-hot Brendan Fraser; shower fight scene involving Matt Damon.
6. ‘Good Will Hunting’, for that matter.  Matt Damon f*cking and fighting and being a genius.
7. ‘the Town’, too, on that note. Ben’s abs are the bidness.
8. ‘American Psycho’ – Ummm…yeah. Christian Bale is shredded and shredding others.

“I think my mask of sanity is about to slip…and so’s my towel”

9. ‘Sherlock Holmes’ – Jude and RDJ, more homoeroticism and partial nudity.
10. ‘the Depahhted’ – Matt, Leo, Boston accents and bloodshed.
11. ‘Black Snake Moan’ – It opens with JT having sex (check).  He later gets into a fight (check) and has a gun (check).
12. ‘American History X’ – More like American History SEX!  Sweet preparation for this role, Ed Norton.
13. ‘Straw Dogs’ – James Marsden (he’s in a lot of girl porn) and Aleksander Skarsgaard (drooool) posturing and cock-measuring in the  hot deep south.  Violence ensues.
14. ‘Savages’: Two smokin’ hot drug dealers, one a killer, one a Buddhist, both gorgeous.  Yes.  Abercrombie catalog with guns and drugs.  ‘Laguna Beach’ meets ‘Traffic’.  Yes. Yes. Yes.  Made me feel like my life was inadequate because I don’t have two drug dealer boyfriends who would kill a cartel to rescue me. 


15. All of the ‘Bourne’ movies.  Clearly I’m a Matt Damon fan.

“I can’t remember anything…except for how to fight and have sex!”

 

These are movies you watch and then need to “be alone”.    They make your boyfriend look utterly sub-par.

But I digress.  David Fincher is especially adept at directing Girl Porn.  This came to my attention when I was told he was the director of the new

Yes, I’m a rich, hot geek.

Justin Timberlake movie (see Brad Pitt note above), ‘The Social Network’, which also has hot twins (“I’m 6’5 220 and there’s two of me!”)   Fincher also brought us ‘Se7en’ (Brad Pitt in all his pre-Aniston glory ranting “What’s in the BOOOX?”), ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, which shows Brad Pitt aging backwards and getting younger and hotter as the movie goes on, and of course the filthiest of porn, ‘Fight Club’ (Brad Pitt.  Ed Norton. Jared Leto.  Shirtless. Fighting.)  Brad Pitt’s abs alone in ‘Fight Club’ are enough to rate a GP classification.  

The next contender for the Greatest GP Director of all time is now Andrew Niccol.  After seeing his latest film, ‘In Time’, I’m convinced he’s gay or just really, really knows what girls like.  He put Justin Timberlake in a movie with guns, sex, a hot car and violence, along with Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, and Toby Hemingway (who randomly drunk-kissed me once).  

Let me do the math for you: 

+       +    +   = Girl Porn.

Add to that the realization that he also did ‘Lord of War’ (gun porn with Ethan Hawke and Jared Leto), and ‘Gattaca’ (a stylish, futuristic thriller starring Ethan Hawke and Jude Law in which intelligence and superior genes–not time or money– is currency), and I’m left with no choice but to crown Andrew Niccol as the new king of Girl Porn.

But, wait!  Hold up.  Steven Soderbergh, what have you done to us?  First there was ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, which automatically makes the grade due to Brad Pitt and Matt Damon being in the same film…but now you bring us ‘Magic Mike’, which boasts the sublime abs of the delicious Alex Pettyfer, the delectable Matt Bomer (who are both coincidentally pictured above), Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and Joe Mangianello.  Granted, I could do without the man-thongs, but the glistening. gyrating perfection in this movie ought to be illegal.  Any movie that puts Matt Bomer and Alex Pettyfer together in a love scene is more than okay by me!

I guess what I’m trying to say is…Thank you, Steven, Andrew & David.  Keep em coming!

Ladies, please feel free to contribute your favorite Girl Porn to the list.

Thank you….Really, thank you.