Tag Archives: movie

Black 70’s Swan

I’m already fairly certain there was a “girl-on-girl action” clause in Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman’s movie contracts.  But was there also a two-movie contract for both actresses saying that they had to follow up ‘Black Swan’ with fuckbuddy romantic comedies?

Or is it just a coincidence that Natalie and Mila both did the same movie with different titles, respectively called ‘No Strings Attached’ and ‘Friends with Benefits’?  I initially refused to see either, already knowing how both would turn out–unnervingly unrealistically.  But I broke down and saw ‘FWB’ and then ‘NSA’, and was surprised that both were quite funny and well-written, if a bit implausible.  I was even more surprised that I liked ‘No Strings Attached’ better than ‘Friends With Benefits’, being the huge Timberlake fan that I am.  (By the way, why wasn’t HIS movie called ‘No Strings Attached’, to match ‘N Sync’s record-breaking sophomore album title?  That would have been hilarious.)

But wait, it gets weirder…

Two of the stars of the fuckbuddy movies were also in ‘That 70’s Show’ (which the ‘FWB’ writer poked fun at with the line, “It smells like the 70’s in here!”).  Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were boyfriend-girlfriend on the show and then played the casual lovers in opposite movies.

So, I’m imagining the criteria for casting these two films?  1. All the lead actors have to be ridiculously good-looking, to remind all the regular folk why this shit don’t happen to them (though at least Ashton had the decency to tone down the hotness he displayed in ‘Spread’ and look close to normal).  2. If you’re a girl, you have to have played a bird.  3. If you’re a guy, you have to have Punk’d someone. 4. It helps if you were on ‘That 70’s Show’

I know this is insignificant, I just see funny connections everywhere.  What can I say?  I’m easily amused.

I wait now with bated breath for the third rom com titled ‘Booty Call’, starring Barbara Hershey and Wilmer Valderrama.

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I’m in the Witness Protection Program

I like metaphors.  So I’m going to share one here.  My therapist often says that my disease is like the mafia.  I didn’t understand his reference at first until he further explained the metaphor:  My ISM, like the mafia, is bigger and tougher than me and it offered me insulation and protection from other perceived threats.  My gorilla was all, “Oh, that jerk-off hurt your feelings?  Have a drink, you ain’t gotta worry about nothin’  We’ll take care a dis!”

I thought it was my friend at first, but then it started asking me for things, and eventually started just taking things.  And like mobster movies, my disease was entertaining to watch from the outside but scary to live in.  I owed it big time for protecting me, but there were times I coughed up payment when I didn’t want to .  I belonged to it, I was afraid of it, but it was too late.

My sister and I realized that the program I’m in, being anonymous and all, is not unlike (love double negatives!) the witness protection program.  You enter it, you change your identity and everything about your life in exchange for guaranteed defense against the big, bad mafia.  The most obvious similarity is that it’s a seee-cret!  Meetings are like safe houses, and I’ll duck into one any time I feel like I’m still being followed.

We are everywhere, like ‘Fight Club’.  We hide in plain sight.  This is not to be confused with the Witness Relocation Program.  That may just be a geographic.


Top Ten Reasons Why Freddy Krueger = Alcoholism

“Look at us, we’re dropping off like flies here!” – Teen in ‘Nightmare’ 4

1. Freddy never dies no matter how hard you fight him (burning, decapitation, burying, holy water, none of that shit worked).  He is really, really hard to kill, much like the “800 pound gorilla”.
2. He targets teens of parents who tried to destroy him (the genetic component)…hmmm, a family legacy.
3. He uses your worst fears against you (not unlike the alcoholic mind)
4. He trys to get his teenage victims to recruit their friends for him (peer pressure?).  So while the curse is often handed down from the parents, it can also be passed from friend to friend.
5. He steals your soul and feeds off it, which makes him more powerful. “The souls of my children!”
6. The mother of the O.G. Victim, Nancy, was an obvious lush.  Hmmm…
7. In part 2 he possesses a teen whose girlfriend must appeal to the real him inside to exorsize him out.  Who among us doesn’t know what it’s like to try and reach the person inside the sociopathic, monstrous drunk?  “! I know you’re in there somewhere!”
8. He kills teens and makes it look like suicide, much like accidental overdoses and alcohol poisoning.
9. He makes his victims look crazy so that they are institutionalized, much like they used to do with alcoholics when they didn’t know what else to do with us.
10. Didn’t you always wonder why those kids didn’t just get some cocaine to stay up?  What is this Diet Coke bullshit?

Wes Craven, are you a friend of Bill?