Tag Archives: seven

Can I un-unwrap that gift?

Given that it’s Christmas Eve, I can’t help but think about how Christmas gifts remind me of guys. I’ve always loved Christmas even though I’m not Christian and I never believed in Santa Claus (my mom never even tried to pretend he existed.)
Although I never believed in the jolly red-suited fat man, I still believed in miracles to some extent. I believed that if my elders loved me enough or if I pouted enough, they would get me exactly what I wanted. (That was when what I wanted most could still be obtained with money.)
The thing about Christmas presents was that they usually hung around for at least a month. My sisters and I started shopping early. So I had a month to hang out under the lit tree and moon over the shiny wrapping paper. I had ample time for visions of sugar plums to dance in my head. I would fantasize about what could be in each of the boxes, even though we usually stuck to very specific wish lists and it could only be a few different things. There are no true surprises Christmas morning.
I think the buildup of wondering what was in the box was more exciting than actually opening it up and finally getting my gift. Christmas gift wrap represents mystery, possibility, a maybe-miracle. Opening the gifts was anti-climactic.
That’s why it reminds me of guys. When I like a guy I tend to fantasize about what he could be like on the inside, not to mention moon over his shiny outsides. Rarely do I revel in the reality of what he really is. Rarely do I actually see who he really is underneath that shiny wrapping. And the disappointment I sometimes feel is worse than unwrapping a shitty gift. He becomes like that BB gun I wanted for so long and then I toss it aside as soon as I’m called for dinner.
I wish sometimes that Christmas gifts could stay wrapped forever, the possibility of perfection still alive, the mystery still encased within the shiny paper.

whats-in-the-box-seven-dick-in-a-box

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Girl Porn Diaries: Move over Andrew Niccol and David Fincher…all hail Steven Soderbergh!

You’re probably wondering what Girl Porn is.  Well, it’s porn for girls.  Movies that are titillating to the fairer sex.  If you’ve ever watched ‘Troy’ on mute, you know what I mean.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, Girl Porn is any mainstream movie (not actual porn) with two or more hot guys (‘Troy’ has Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Eric Bana in it), preferably racing cars, wrestling each other shirtless, shooting guns, fighting, and/or generally being sexy and badass.
[Note: If Brad Pitt is in it, you probably don’t need another hot guy.]


Girl Porn usually also includes excessive gratuitous shirtlessness and occasional homoeroticism. 

Further examples of Girl Porn include (in no particular order):
1.  ‘Interview With The Vampire’ – A homoerotic period piece featuring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Christian Slater. 
2. ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ – Jude and Matt being homoerotic.  Jude is a golden God in that piece of porn.  He’s so hot he outshines Matt Damon, which is difficult to do.
3. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ – Paul Walker being tan and driving fast, and because Tyrese is hot, Vin Diesel, not. 
4. ‘the 24th Day’ – James Marsden and Scott Speedman are sexually involved…enough said.  But I should add that for most of the movie Scott has James tied to a chair. 
5. ‘School Ties’ – Matt Damon & Ben Affleck pre-Oscar, along with Randall Batinkoff and then-hot Brendan Fraser; shower fight scene involving Matt Damon.
6. ‘Good Will Hunting’, for that matter.  Matt Damon f*cking and fighting and being a genius.
7. ‘the Town’, too, on that note. Ben’s abs are the bidness.
8. ‘American Psycho’ – Ummm…yeah. Christian Bale is shredded and shredding others.

“I think my mask of sanity is about to slip…and so’s my towel”

9. ‘Sherlock Holmes’ – Jude and RDJ, more homoeroticism and partial nudity.
10. ‘the Depahhted’ – Matt, Leo, Boston accents and bloodshed.
11. ‘Black Snake Moan’ – It opens with JT having sex (check).  He later gets into a fight (check) and has a gun (check).
12. ‘American History X’ – More like American History SEX!  Sweet preparation for this role, Ed Norton.
13. ‘Straw Dogs’ – James Marsden (he’s in a lot of girl porn) and Aleksander Skarsgaard (drooool) posturing and cock-measuring in the  hot deep south.  Violence ensues.
14. ‘Savages’: Two smokin’ hot drug dealers, one a killer, one a Buddhist, both gorgeous.  Yes.  Abercrombie catalog with guns and drugs.  ‘Laguna Beach’ meets ‘Traffic’.  Yes. Yes. Yes.  Made me feel like my life was inadequate because I don’t have two drug dealer boyfriends who would kill a cartel to rescue me. 


15. All of the ‘Bourne’ movies.  Clearly I’m a Matt Damon fan.

“I can’t remember anything…except for how to fight and have sex!”

 

These are movies you watch and then need to “be alone”.    They make your boyfriend look utterly sub-par.

But I digress.  David Fincher is especially adept at directing Girl Porn.  This came to my attention when I was told he was the director of the new

Yes, I’m a rich, hot geek.

Justin Timberlake movie (see Brad Pitt note above), ‘The Social Network’, which also has hot twins (“I’m 6’5 220 and there’s two of me!”)   Fincher also brought us ‘Se7en’ (Brad Pitt in all his pre-Aniston glory ranting “What’s in the BOOOX?”), ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, which shows Brad Pitt aging backwards and getting younger and hotter as the movie goes on, and of course the filthiest of porn, ‘Fight Club’ (Brad Pitt.  Ed Norton. Jared Leto.  Shirtless. Fighting.)  Brad Pitt’s abs alone in ‘Fight Club’ are enough to rate a GP classification.  

The next contender for the Greatest GP Director of all time is now Andrew Niccol.  After seeing his latest film, ‘In Time’, I’m convinced he’s gay or just really, really knows what girls like.  He put Justin Timberlake in a movie with guns, sex, a hot car and violence, along with Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, and Toby Hemingway (who randomly drunk-kissed me once).  

Let me do the math for you: 

+       +    +   = Girl Porn.

Add to that the realization that he also did ‘Lord of War’ (gun porn with Ethan Hawke and Jared Leto), and ‘Gattaca’ (a stylish, futuristic thriller starring Ethan Hawke and Jude Law in which intelligence and superior genes–not time or money– is currency), and I’m left with no choice but to crown Andrew Niccol as the new king of Girl Porn.

But, wait!  Hold up.  Steven Soderbergh, what have you done to us?  First there was ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, which automatically makes the grade due to Brad Pitt and Matt Damon being in the same film…but now you bring us ‘Magic Mike’, which boasts the sublime abs of the delicious Alex Pettyfer, the delectable Matt Bomer (who are both coincidentally pictured above), Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and Joe Mangianello.  Granted, I could do without the man-thongs, but the glistening. gyrating perfection in this movie ought to be illegal.  Any movie that puts Matt Bomer and Alex Pettyfer together in a love scene is more than okay by me!

I guess what I’m trying to say is…Thank you, Steven, Andrew & David.  Keep em coming!

Ladies, please feel free to contribute your favorite Girl Porn to the list.

Thank you….Really, thank you.